I had to force myself to do stuff.

I thought that I would never go to bed tonight because I just sat there emotionally numb on the sofa thinking what’s the point? I had to put change of bedsheets/duvet covers on because I have to change them a few times a week due to the cats sharing them. Right now I don’t even want to go out again tomorrow. The blog is failing before it’s even began. It cannot compete with the likes of vlogging like TikTok. I only ever made this blog so that others would know I was ok to accept. It seems to have the opposite effect because it seems that people only accept those that are quiet. I’m certainly not… at least not on here anyway. I probably won’t sleep tonight because things have upset me more than I will ever admit on here. I don’t want to give others any power. I’m taking a painkiller then I’m off to sleep… well if I can. I haven’t seen daylight in the last few days. I’m doubtful that I will much in the winter with the way I sleep. I’m starting to look awful as I age. I’m losing my eyelashes still and my face just looks tired / bloated.

I seriously don’t care anymore.

Oh I love how people blank me in the street once I say I know exactly how it is. I’m an understanding person to a point until I see that no one gives a f. I don’t even give a f about what I do anymore. That has all made my decision. Off to buy painkillers now (need them for my leg anyway). It’s over. The things that go on will keep happening and people will never see me as a person. I’m not even upset anymore. I’ve got rid of every emotion. I am just a shell now. I really don’t care anymore. I’m out of everything I may have agreed to. I didn’t even want those things in the first place. I was trying to be nice and now I refuse to be nice. Nothing has changed around here. You’re all as spiteful and up yourselves as you were when I was a child here. I barely sleep and none of you care even though many of you from the past caused that.

The excuses people make…

The reason I ended up turning to addiction habits was simple. I always wanted a friend. I couldn’t get one and even when I did / do it hasn’t lasted long. I know why when I was younger. I hold my hands up to potentially being a complete cow at times. I really wasn’t nice at times but it wasn’t malicious. I get declined when I try to make friends… yet I look at peoples social networks and they’ve got lots of people added who I know they probably met in the same way as the whole boundaries excuse they gave me. The only difference between me and the others is that I have a form of autism … and now we see why I’m rejected. I’m just ‘not good enough’. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it but it’s so obvious. I had this excuse given to me more than once throughout my life. Then I’m told that I shouldn’t be affected by what I went through because it wasn’t that bad. I presume I also deserved all that due to my autism, BPD stuff huh? That this somehow makes it justified how I was treated and how I am still treated. I now feel wrong for letting the stuff that happened to me affect me because others have continued to tell me in comparison to the experiences of others, mine weren’t bad. Social services ruin lives. They ruined mine when they put me in the system as a teenager. They are inhumane and love to emotionally abuse their clients. I will never recover from that or having my baby ripped away from me for adoption. As I said, no one sees me as a proper person. I don’t really exist to the outside world. I try so hard but it never makes me seen. I’m rejectable in nature. And, let’s face it, that is because people see me as defective.

Well, tonight was a nightmare.

I got home late tonight thinking I could just go in the bath and then go to bed. Nope, this was far too easy to hope for… Firstly, I got back to find the car park full and even half of the grass full where we park up if we can’t get a space. I squeezed my car on there but this shouldn’t be happening. We literally never have this issue in the school holidays. It always happens during term time. It must be coinciding with something that is on during school term. I really need to raise the issue with the council contacts that a friend gave me because it’s absolutely ridiculous now. I can’t get a spot. I waited until about 3 am to have a bath because a water pipe had burst on the A47 and it was being fixed according to the company representative on Twitter. I was not happy anyway before I found the water pressure had gone down and there was no hot water. I walked in to find the cat had been sick in several places in the hallway. I had to clean that up while I was waiting for the water company to fix their issue so that I could have a bath. I actually deep condition masked my hair today and it’s still getting the odd knots. I even put curl cream in there to train the waves which prevents the strands getting matted. Anyway, that didn’t help a lot. It’s better but as it gets longer it’s getting worse. It isn’t like I don’t brush it regularly to try to prevent that.

I don’t want to change my life. I can’t do it.

I recently felt like I could do stuff but now I’m not sure. I’m always too tired even when I’ve slept. I don’t want to change all my life because I’m not able to do so. That isn’t me being negative. That’s me being realistic. I’m used to my life like this and any other non routine things make me anxious because I haven’t been out or done much for so long. I was happy (well, at least content to not care about merely existing) when I was getting through everyday life taking painkillers to mentally do life. I’m not saying it’s a good habit but it helped me when I was in the education system. That is probably the only way I could ever hold down a job too. I was drinking alcohol on a nightly basis editing the blog because even making that better / more professional is pushing me to addiction again. I was happy in that state. I gave it all up and now I miss the numb, not giving a shit feeling. It’s how I dealt with no love in my life. I didn’t need that kind of thing because I replaced it. I was an empty shell now I’m back to normal (as normal as possible for me). I would rather have the void of no love filled because I’m not happy empty. I can at least do life popping painkillers and drinking alcohol. I don’t even want to be awake during the day because existing sucks.