Oh I love how people blank me in the street once I say I know exactly how it is. I’m an understanding person to a point until I see that no one gives a f. I don’t even give a f about what I do anymore. That has all made my decision. Off to buy painkillers now (need them for my leg anyway). It’s over. The things that go on will keep happening and people will never see me as a person. I’m not even upset anymore. I’ve got rid of every emotion. I am just a shell now. I really don’t care anymore. I’m out of everything I may have agreed to. I didn’t even want those things in the first place. I was trying to be nice and now I refuse to be nice. Nothing has changed around here. You’re all as spiteful and up yourselves as you were when I was a child here. I barely sleep and none of you care even though many of you from the past caused that.
The reason I ended up turning to addiction habits was simple. I always wanted a friend. I couldn’t get one and even when I did / do it hasn’t lasted long. I know why when I was younger. I hold my hands up to potentially being a complete cow at times. I really wasn’t nice at times but it wasn’t malicious. I get declined when I try to make friends… yet I look at peoples social networks and they’ve got lots of people added who I know they probably met in the same way as the whole boundaries excuse they gave me. The only difference between me and the others is that I have a form of autism … and now we see why I’m rejected. I’m just ‘not good enough’. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it but it’s so obvious. I had this excuse given to me more than once throughout my life. Then I’m told that I shouldn’t be affected by what I went through because it wasn’t that bad. I presume I also deserved all that due to my autism, BPD stuff huh? That this somehow makes it justified how I was treated and how I am still treated. I now feel wrong for letting the stuff that happened to me affect me because others have continued to tell me in comparison to the experiences of others, mine weren’t bad. Social services ruin lives. They ruined mine when they put me in the system as a teenager. They are inhumane and love to emotionally abuse their clients. I will never recover from that or having my baby ripped away from me for adoption. As I said, no one sees me as a proper person. I don’t really exist to the outside world. I try so hard but it never makes me seen. I’m rejectable in nature. And, let’s face it, that is because people see me as defective.
I recently felt like I could do stuff but now I’m not sure. I’m always too tired even when I’ve slept. I don’t want to change all my life because I’m not able to do so. That isn’t me being negative. That’s me being realistic. I’m used to my life like this and any other non routine things make me anxious because I haven’t been out or done much for so long. I was happy (well, at least content to not care about merely existing) when I was getting through everyday life taking painkillers to mentally do life. I’m not saying it’s a good habit but it helped me when I was in the education system. That is probably the only way I could ever hold down a job too. I was drinking alcohol on a nightly basis editing the blog because even making that better / more professional is pushing me to addiction again. I was happy in that state. I gave it all up and now I miss the numb, not giving a shit feeling. It’s how I dealt with no love in my life. I didn’t need that kind of thing because I replaced it. I was an empty shell now I’m back to normal (as normal as possible for me). I would rather have the void of no love filled because I’m not happy empty. I can at least do life popping painkillers and drinking alcohol. I don’t even want to be awake during the day because existing sucks.
I’m tired and have recently become nocturnal putting effort into editing and changing the format of the blog only to get a couple hundred views. I’ve worked too hard for that. They should be hitting at least a thousand views by now. Again, people are not seeing me as a proper person or people would be reading older posts even if they are new blog readers. This is just showing what kind of value I’m given in society again. I bet if I lied about who I am, my profession etc then people would read the blog. That would defeat the whole point of the blog because it wouldn’t be if I had made it in life and not lost stuff. I am pissed off because I’ve worked hard to the point it’s affected my sleep issues even more the last couple of days. I can only make limited changes that my blog host platform allows. I can’t make my blog look like some of the most viewed ones because they’re hosted by multimillionaire platforms which isn’t in my price range. I’m destined to be a nobody forever … however much I try to change that. It’s like no one sees me. I’m invisible because I can’t meet those standards.
I’m not even awake properly yet. I will get up soon but in bed with electric blanket on where it’s warm. I’m not going for a walk today. I need to have a break from the last freezing cold walk. I’m being looked at by the cats so they probably will be nagging me for food when I do get up. That won’t be yet because I’m comfortable in bed. I feel unappreciated by others. If I’m asleep the world around me cannot be disappointing. I would do anything for a full nights sleep rather than a few hours. On that note, I’m off for a bit to sleep a little because I’m nodding off. I’m not sure about the new blog layout. I can’t condense the featured posts on this theme. It looks a huge mess and the new posts are getting lost within the sea of other texts.