I didn’t sleep most of the night.

I think I only slept for barely half an hour before waking up again. I’m too anxious to sleep. I really don’t want to go for the vaccination today. I have no choice now that myself and mum have appointments. I know that I booked it. I felt brave a week ago because it wasn’t for a week. Then as it has got closer I couldn’t concentrate on anything due to the anxiety being so sky high. I could not function since Tuesday. I’ve drank more alcohol than normal. I need sleep because I’m the one driving tomorrow. I couldn’t even go for my smear test and that was only at my local gp surgery. I don’t know how I ever thought that I could get the vaccination out of town.

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood

I act brave but I’m actually not regarding vaccine etc. / life advice included.

I may act like I’m completely chilled regarding having the vaccine this week but I fear the side effects too. I have allergies that I experienced with various medications as a child. I have had dodgy skin that gets scabby every time I use a chemical that it reacts to and I bloat up easily when I eat certain things. I’m writing everything down that is on my summary allergy list in my online go account. I just don’t outwardly show my nerves. Needles don’t bother me as I had a massive one in my arm as a child. I want to get it over with so that I know if I’m going to react adversely. It’s the same when I go head to head with a bully or something. I don’t act like I’m afraid. I won’t allow them to see that I’m intimidated by how they act or what they say whatsoever.

I won’t take other peoples crap in general after how I was treated as a youngster. That is how it’s left me and maybe I’m always too much on the defensive at times. I always get things sorted being that way so it’s not all bad. Let me give you a little advice. Assume that everyone is going to do something awful towards you… people are naturally selfish regarding if they are claiming that they like doing selfless acts for others. Most of the time they only do things for those that they actually like… screw the rest of you. If you’re seen as defective in any way then it’s unlikely that anyone will like you enough to not screw your over given the opportunity. I gave too many people the opportunity to screw me over in the past. I could do with the person I screwed over in my life because they have a law degree and I’m struggling with my module at just level 1 part. She was good at what she did even if her qualities as a person were somewhat questionable. That’s life and I’m not even talking in bitterness. We only think of each h other nowadays because I feel guilty and she is apparently still quite angry about the things I did back then. We will never be talking again so that she can help me as the law modules get harder.

Survivor guilt – pandemic style.

I have felt like this for a few days. I feel guilty that the virus hasn’t caused my death. I know that it is morbid but I think of all those that passed away who had family and were involved in important things. I’m still alive and don’t have a family or important job/role in society. It’s not fair. I therefore feel guilty for surviving (so far) this pandemic when they weren’t spared. It’s not over yet and I shouldn’t tempt fate by saying I’ve survived it. Life has a way of biting me in the behind when I least expect it.

I just feel really guilty that so many people have lost their lives. Most of them were more than I could ever hope to be in life. Jonny doesn’t even know I exist due to being adopted. I wouldn’t be missed if the virus took me down. I don’t have a partner who relies on me. The cats would get a home quite quickly because so many people have fallen in love with their photos/videos. I don’t like feeling guilty for being alive but right now reality is creating that way of thinking.