I don’t want to change my life. I can’t do it.

I recently felt like I could do stuff but now I’m not sure. I’m always too tired even when I’ve slept. I don’t want to change all my life because I’m not able to do so. That isn’t me being negative. That’s me being realistic. I’m used to my life like this and any other non routine things make me anxious because I haven’t been out or done much for so long. I was happy (well, at least content to not care about merely existing) when I was getting through everyday life taking painkillers to mentally do life. I’m not saying it’s a good habit but it helped me when I was in the education system. That is probably the only way I could ever hold down a job too. I was drinking alcohol on a nightly basis editing the blog because even making that better / more professional is pushing me to addiction again. I was happy in that state. I gave it all up and now I miss the numb, not giving a shit feeling. It’s how I dealt with no love in my life. I didn’t need that kind of thing because I replaced it. I was an empty shell now I’m back to normal (as normal as possible for me). I would rather have the void of no love filled because I’m not happy empty. I can at least do life popping painkillers and drinking alcohol. I don’t even want to be awake during the day because existing sucks.

I don’t know why I even bothered.

I’m tired and have recently become nocturnal putting effort into editing and changing the format of the blog only to get a couple hundred views. I’ve worked too hard for that. They should be hitting at least a thousand views by now. Again, people are not seeing me as a proper person or people would be reading older posts even if they are new blog readers. This is just showing what kind of value I’m given in society again. I bet if I lied about who I am, my profession etc then people would read the blog. That would defeat the whole point of the blog because it wouldn’t be if I had made it in life and not lost stuff. I am pissed off because I’ve worked hard to the point it’s affected my sleep issues even more the last couple of days. I can only make limited changes that my blog host platform allows. I can’t make my blog look like some of the most viewed ones because they’re hosted by multimillionaire platforms which isn’t in my price range. I’m destined to be a nobody forever … however much I try to change that. It’s like no one sees me. I’m invisible because I can’t meet those standards.

I’m not doing much today.

I’m not even awake properly yet. I will get up soon but in bed with electric blanket on where it’s warm. I’m not going for a walk today. I need to have a break from the last freezing cold walk. I’m being looked at by the cats so they probably will be nagging me for food when I do get up. That won’t be yet because I’m comfortable in bed. I feel unappreciated by others. If I’m asleep the world around me cannot be disappointing. I would do anything for a full nights sleep rather than a few hours. On that note, I’m off for a bit to sleep a little because I’m nodding off. I’m not sure about the new blog layout. I can’t condense the featured posts on this theme. It looks a huge mess and the new posts are getting lost within the sea of other texts.

I went to bed earlier but still didn’t sleep.

I made an effort to try sleep by going bed early but I’m still awake. I have been laying in bed just scrolling on TikTok after getting fed up with just laying there doing nothing. I don’t want to think because a lot of what is on my mind is keeping me awake. I tell others I don’t want things. I tell myself I don’t want things. That is to avoid disappointment. If you don’t hope then you can’t be upset when you don’t get stuff. I also find it difficult to believe that I deserve any sort of happy ending either. I hurt all over from walking in the cold this evening.We weren’t one of the places that got snow but I still couldn’t feel my hands or even my legs until I got in a warm bath after I got home. Then, a few hours later my bones start hurting. That is a reason why I’ve stopped the walking every day. I am also quite tired due to my inability to sleep consistently at the moment. It’s a sleep/wake up pattern which makes me feel like I’ve had no sleep. Things are playing on my mind. Interactions I’ve had with others stress me out when there’s nothing I can do at a stupid hour of the morning. If others don’t reply I can’t be reassured that it’s ok. I build things up in my mind where I am some evil monster and I feel everyone can see that. Then they end up wanting to run away etc. I can’t help that… my brain likes to torment me with these things to prevent me sleeping. I’m at the point where I don’t get much rest because my head flits from one potential really awful scenario to an other. I try to tell myself I worry for nothing but then my other of my head says I’ve said or done something terrible towards someone else… multiple people sometimes depending on the weeks interaction.

Explaining the new layout.

I have pinned this post to the top to ensure that it doesn’t get lost in the midst of others. I have changed the layout of the blog tonight. I needed to chose a new colour (previous one was green) to be more user friendly- basically means it appeals to peoples attention and draws them to read posts. I have got august 2022 posts edited and categorised tonight. Starting on July 2022 tomorrow. On the sidebar (if viewing on a laptop/tablet, on the bottom if viewing on a phone) you’ll find the Facebook page and Twitter feed. There is an option to follow the blog on WordPress. On the main body of landing page you will find featured blog entries in full. On the side bar there are the most recent entries. I hope that makes it slightly less confusing to navigate for blog readers. And, yes the photos I’ve used are old but not got newer ones to replace them yet.