I fell asleep for a few hours during the night. I woke back up and then couldn’t sleep again but at least that will be more sleep in total if I fall asleep for a few hours before my alarm is set go off. I also saw a bit of daylight yesterday because I went out after only a few hours of sleep. It’s not the best balance but it’s rebalanced a bit. I have a headache which I’m hoping won’t be there after going back to sleep for a few hours. I’ve taken a painkiller which I’m having to do regularly anyway due to finger swelling (x ray results still not back) and my knee reacting to the cold weather. I’m not walking that much in comparison to what I was. It’s just too cold. I got fluid collecting above my knee earlier after being out in the cold weather. I’m resting more because I feel that is what I need and these things may clear up due to not doing mega long walks. The injury/issue in my other knee cleared up after about 5 years. I don’t fancy waiting that long for the other one to do the same. The other one just randomly went back to normal out of nowhere. I’m hoping that my finger and other knee do the same. I’m trying not to get too cold. That isn’t easy when I’m out. I have the super long scarf that I knitted ages ago. It is a bit too long though. There’s a lot of length which makes it super warm when you wrap it around your neck. I was just learning to knit when making it. If anyone wants a wide full length scarf I will knit them one for £20 (takes a long time and requires several balls of wool) for next year, that one took me 3 months but the initial one is too long to be practical so I’ve readjusted the design. I put up with mine because I made it. I know if I start getting others to pay me to make them something the standard has to be higher. The design that I make can replace having to wear a hat because of the thickness/length.
I have had continuous bad luck today which got me thinking whether the hex I did on someone’s business plans got pinged back at me. There was the things I mentioned in my earlier post and when I got back I discovered that the seal on my hot water bottle cap had broken and soaked my blanket. I had to dry that off and obviously will have to replace the hot water bottle now. It could have been worse. It might have gone tonight if I used it with the boiling hot water inside which would have burnt me. There’s always been something about the other person. Maybe she did send it back my way. People from other countries are sometimes naturally into that stuff because the culture is different. Intuitively I picked up that she was going through something (she even looks different in the face) but in the 3D level of what was said in conversation I was still not going to spare them from a hex. If anyone wants a battle of wills will me I’m very much up for the challenge. If someone else digs their heels in about something… I will do it harder. I’m very inflexible when I want to prove a point. I don’t want to fight anyone else. I will stand my ground until the bitter end. I don’t budge easily even if my feet start to get in a mess. I’m not going back as a customer until she isn’t so guarded with me. I am trustworthy… ok, I may have sent something their way out of anger but they can still trust me. I won’t play games, although if others play it with me I will put a stop to them. I know that sometimes I don’t shut up but there’s no need to shut down and go cold on me. That’s not fair. That is why I’m no longer willing to use the service she offers. She has pissed me off several times but I let it slide because I get that she didn’t mean it to sound as it came out. The being cold and unfriendly thing toward me is a choice she made though. That was intentional and I never let anyone treat me as less than I deserve. I have withdrawn from service she provides as a stalemate thing. Her energy has cocky written all over it. I’m very willingly to play her at her own game. I can be just as superficial and act like I don’t give a shit. There are times, like today, when so much has gone on and I had so little sleep, that I genuinely couldn’t give a shit. I’m not forcing her to do anything but I’m not backing down on my decisions.
I went out to do a simple thing. I have told multiple people to shift out the way in my head and I have no shame about it. I was supposed to be home way before now. I can’t be the only one that is being inconvenienced by the network blackouts that are happening randomly. I had to literally walk down the road to connect to a free Wi-Fi in order to send an email to the shop so that I could get the label printed to sell my iPhone. It’s not all over town. There are just black spots at the moment (started last week), unfortunately, it was where I was where I was trying to do something. It’s starting to get extremely annoying though. I am living in a mess because of lack of sleep which I wanted to get back to sort out. I need to still go back home to package and send phone even before I can tidy up and finally eat this evening.
Yes, I am awake at a stupid hour again. That is just a normal thing now. Sometimes I write my best things at night but I’m back on the drink due to how the way people act toward me. It’s so much easier to numb how it makes me feel. They won’t check out the blog anymore so basically they will think I’ve made an attitude filled comment and moved on. I can’t move on from the constant rejections. They cut deep into me like a knife. I wouldn’t mind if I hadn’t found out so many lies that were put on file about me I lost everything because of those things and it’s not like I could ever prove they were actually lies. Those of us that are innocent and trustworthy get labelled because of people who have gone on to do terrible things like murder people. Now no one trusts those that were wrongly labelled so we never get a chance. I honestly don’t believe it’s all about other people’s boundaries… they simply think I deserve to be pushed away. I would NEVER do anything bad to anyone. I lost so much because of other people judging me wrongly growing up. I wasn’t a saint but nobody is. Those that went to school with me who were all into the drugs scene (it was and still is an issue around here) always have referred to me as the good little girl growing up. Then why did I get so much hostility toward me? I didn’t take drugs or even drink barely when I was younger before they traumatised me by sending me away on section for my autism related issues. I basically quit drinking this year and got off antidepressants but I’m still never good enough and that upsets me. I wish that people would at least consider me even if it’s a no initially. I’m not saying everybody rejects me but the majority do so that feels like a constant thing. It brings the worse parts of my past back too. I wouldn’t be so upset if my life had returned fully to normal but it never has done. It’s better than it was at one point but because I no longer want to go back into the education system etc I’m still alone. The cats are always around but they don’t really count. If it wasn’t so icy outside they would be out tonight like their normal routine. They put a paw out the window and turned straight back around. They have fallen asleep on my warm bed. Anyway, I don’t think I have anymore to say at stupid o clock so I’m going to ‘try’ to sleep now.
I am well aware of the mistakes I’ve made before I really made an effort this year. The start of this year was up and down, I did make mistakes but it takes a few months to balance out when coming off antidepressants. I managed to do it. I was a lot larger this time last year. I have put the effort in but my whole personality will not change. I’m still me. Me is who I was aside from autism, BPD etc. I’m sorry if that is someone with an attitude who just wants her freedom from the 117 aftercare clause and to be treated as a valued person. I have absolutely no agenda here. I tell it exactly how it is whether others like it or not. As I said to a troll via TikTok o someone’s video earlier, I know what I went through and I wouldn’t have believed that the system was capable of such things if I hadn’t experienced it. I’m honest about the shit I did in the past. I was pushed to do things by others though. There are two sides to every story. Why shouldn’t people believe my side? Why does it always have to be the side documented by various professionals that is believed? I had people who didn’t know me judge me every single day of my life for years. This year has been the hardest I’ve worked at things in a very long time. I will NOT have anyone ruin that by either accusing those of us sharing our experiences of being a liar or others that I have on social networks pointing stuff out that I did before I started coming off my antidepressants and sorting stuff out. No one is perfect and if others knew the amount of bullshit I have to deal with or at least had to deal with growing up those standards would not be risen so high. I do want answers from things that have happened in the past. That will stop my issues I haven’t managed to fix yet, for example: the fear I have when it comes to other people. I have to fix that before I can end my loneliness. It’s not an over night thing. It never will be. I can’t ever be perfect. I’m always going to be a little stressed in certain areas because I want things I just have never been able to maintain even if I’ve managed to get them briefly. I am only human so stop expecting me to be some super well rounded being that no longer stressed over anything.