It’s the little wins that are positive steps.

I fell asleep for a few hours during the night. I woke back up and then couldn’t sleep again but at least that will be more sleep in total if I fall asleep for a few hours before my alarm is set go off. I also saw a bit of daylight yesterday because I went out after only a few hours of sleep. It’s not the best balance but it’s rebalanced a bit. I have a headache which I’m hoping won’t be there after going back to sleep for a few hours. I’ve taken a painkiller which I’m having to do regularly anyway due to finger swelling (x ray results still not back) and my knee reacting to the cold weather. I’m not walking that much in comparison to what I was. It’s just too cold. I got fluid collecting above my knee earlier after being out in the cold weather. I’m resting more because I feel that is what I need and these things may clear up due to not doing mega long walks. The injury/issue in my other knee cleared up after about 5 years. I don’t fancy waiting that long for the other one to do the same. The other one just randomly went back to normal out of nowhere. I’m hoping that my finger and other knee do the same. I’m trying not to get too cold. That isn’t easy when I’m out. I have the super long scarf that I knitted ages ago. It is a bit too long though. There’s a lot of length which makes it super warm when you wrap it around your neck. I was just learning to knit when making it. If anyone wants a wide full length scarf I will knit them one for £20 (takes a long time and requires several balls of wool) for next year, that one took me 3 months but the initial one is too long to be practical so I’ve readjusted the design. I put up with mine because I made it. I know if I start getting others to pay me to make them something the standard has to be higher. The design that I make can replace having to wear a hat because of the thickness/length.

I didn’t sleep much again. This is why my past is never over yet.

I managed to sleep for a few hours until this afternoon but it wasn’t much. I’m that tired my eyes are sore. I don’t think people realise that my past isn’t kept in the past. I’m kept on a clause for the last 15 years since I was a teenager. That is supposed to get services etc to help with my autism aftercare needs but I’ve not received anything for at least the last 6 years. They just left me on my own to do life without support. I don’t particularly like council provided support because I have my own mind and sometimes that isn’t what they want in clients. I’ve been left on it despite the council saying that due to my last support service failing (there was a lot of issues which resulted in me telling them to leave my home). They go on about needs etc but they do anything to not meet them. All they focus on is risk rather than providing supports to ensure there are no risks. Then they make situations happen which lead to risks because of how they do things. The fact that I’m stuck on this clause until I really push the council departments to take me off of it means I’m still stuck on something from my past which means I can’t fully leave it behind. It’s going to be tough going through the process because the risk assessments are always quite harsh and dehumanising. They are hurtful to read and if you’re already feeling bad about yourself it’s just going to make you feel ten times worse. I’m not a risk to anyone. I’m literally afraid of people so that’s a protective factor in my eyes (risk assessment jargon). I didn’t have that when I went into the system because involvement in the system gave me that issue. They can absolutely forget telling me I’m too vulnerable to come off of the clause after leaving me to basically fend for myself the past 6 years. When I lost my benefits on the DLA / PIP change over, I had to sort it out. There was no support to do that. I got it to tribunal to ensure I got benefits reinstated while struggling for months waiting to get a hearing. I would have been waiting longer if I hadn’t got my case slotted in on an emergency basis when I literally got to the point that I had spent most savings I put over (just in case) and literally couldn’t afford what was going out in bills etc. These aftercare clauses are meant to sort things out for clients but that never happened. I had to do it. The thing literally gives me nothing positive. The flip side has legal implications. If I don’t get off of it I can never be free to do stuff in life. They don’t tell you that side of it. The clause gives them an excuse to flag up bits of my past in the system which happened when I made the decision to have a child. If I don’t sort it out to come off of the clause they could do that in many areas of life for me. Under general rules, councils and other organisations can only keep current information dating back 6 years on each individual. The section 117 aftercare clause enables them to literally keep any bit of information from the last 15 years of my life to be highlighted now. That is unfair, especially when I found so many lies and assumptions when I started digging. Correct information is one thing, incorrect, potentially damaging, information is completely different. Anyone could look up my details and believe those things. That could lead to me being rejected before I even got a chance to be friends with others etc. That could have already happened because certain people have access to nhs information due to their professions. They aren’t supposed to peak at computer records stores on the nhs database but I bet it happens, people are just naturally nosy and those that work in certain professions are known for gaslighting disabled people. They can find every trigger relating to a certain individual by typing their name and date of birth into the database. I don’t want to be judged on information that could relate to when I was a lot younger but comes up as random highlighted information. It would explain how horribly I was treated. People were always fine with me until they’d accessed information about me. Lies, but for years I had no idea what was written and I’ve still only managed to see bits. I haven’t managed to dispute them because there is a whole complicated expensive legal process to do that which I won’t be able to afford. I know that by getting off the clause that past stuff can do less damage in my presence because they’re no longer allowed to keep old information once I’m removed from it. That is my cheapest option (well, I can’t afford the other) and if money has been given from one agency to another the whole 6 years I’ve not got services then that is also wrong.

Bad things happen and the wrong people get labelled…

Yes, I am awake at a stupid hour again. That is just a normal thing now. Sometimes I write my best things at night but I’m back on the drink due to how the way people act toward me. It’s so much easier to numb how it makes me feel. They won’t check out the blog anymore so basically they will think I’ve made an attitude filled comment and moved on. I can’t move on from the constant rejections. They cut deep into me like a knife. I wouldn’t mind if I hadn’t found out so many lies that were put on file about me I lost everything because of those things and it’s not like I could ever prove they were actually lies. Those of us that are innocent and trustworthy get labelled because of people who have gone on to do terrible things like murder people. Now no one trusts those that were wrongly labelled so we never get a chance. I honestly don’t believe it’s all about other people’s boundaries… they simply think I deserve to be pushed away. I would NEVER do anything bad to anyone. I lost so much because of other people judging me wrongly growing up. I wasn’t a saint but nobody is. Those that went to school with me who were all into the drugs scene (it was and still is an issue around here) always have referred to me as the good little girl growing up. Then why did I get so much hostility toward me? I didn’t take drugs or even drink barely when I was younger before they traumatised me by sending me away on section for my autism related issues. I basically quit drinking this year and got off antidepressants but I’m still never good enough and that upsets me. I wish that people would at least consider me even if it’s a no initially. I’m not saying everybody rejects me but the majority do so that feels like a constant thing. It brings the worse parts of my past back too. I wouldn’t be so upset if my life had returned fully to normal but it never has done. It’s better than it was at one point but because I no longer want to go back into the education system etc I’m still alone. The cats are always around but they don’t really count. If it wasn’t so icy outside they would be out tonight like their normal routine. They put a paw out the window and turned straight back around. They have fallen asleep on my warm bed. Anyway, I don’t think I have anymore to say at stupid o clock so I’m going to ‘try’ to sleep now.

I have no agenda. I worked too hard this year have my past thrown in my face.

I am well aware of the mistakes I’ve made before I really made an effort this year. The start of this year was up and down, I did make mistakes but it takes a few months to balance out when coming off antidepressants. I managed to do it. I was a lot larger this time last year. I have put the effort in but my whole personality will not change. I’m still me. Me is who I was aside from autism, BPD etc. I’m sorry if that is someone with an attitude who just wants her freedom from the 117 aftercare clause and to be treated as a valued person. I have absolutely no agenda here. I tell it exactly how it is whether others like it or not. As I said to a troll via TikTok o someone’s video earlier, I know what I went through and I wouldn’t have believed that the system was capable of such things if I hadn’t experienced it. I’m honest about the shit I did in the past. I was pushed to do things by others though. There are two sides to every story. Why shouldn’t people believe my side? Why does it always have to be the side documented by various professionals that is believed? I had people who didn’t know me judge me every single day of my life for years. This year has been the hardest I’ve worked at things in a very long time. I will NOT have anyone ruin that by either accusing those of us sharing our experiences of being a liar or others that I have on social networks pointing stuff out that I did before I started coming off my antidepressants and sorting stuff out. No one is perfect and if others knew the amount of bullshit I have to deal with or at least had to deal with growing up those standards would not be risen so high. I do want answers from things that have happened in the past. That will stop my issues I haven’t managed to fix yet, for example: the fear I have when it comes to other people. I have to fix that before I can end my loneliness. It’s not an over night thing. It never will be. I can’t ever be perfect. I’m always going to be a little stressed in certain areas because I want things I just have never been able to maintain even if I’ve managed to get them briefly. I am only human so stop expecting me to be some super well rounded being that no longer stressed over anything.

I didn’t chose this. I don’t want this.

People look at me as someone who has this mega independent life and I don’t rely on anyone else etc. I absolutely hate my life. I never wanted any of this. I wanted to be part of a family but mine was absolutely broken so I never got it. That is something that I can’t be blamed for because it was like that way before I was born. I don’t sleep because I feel so alone. People tell me I’m still young enough for life to flip around. At this point that just isn’t going to happen. The loneliness is reducing me to tears at the moment all the time. I don’t even want to meet anyone. I just don’t want to keep existing this way. I do have kind of friends but they’re so used to me not hanging with them that we don’t meet up etc. I made it clear when I lost Jonny that social stuff was never going to be a priority because, as I said, I always wanted be part of a family, mine was taken from me. And you expect me to be nice to others? They never was nice to me growing up so why should I be? People have a habit of taking and never giving me anything back. So I’m no longer giving anyone anything. I’m also the only one who holds their hands up to making genuine mistakes but then end up with others who actually don’t know me personally, because they never bothered, chucking it back in my face. Whenever I’m upset they come and rub it in. No one ever gives me a chance. They are so quick to criticise me but don’t actually know me at all. They judge me by other people they know with the same diagnosis. Every autistic person is different! If you even bother to read the blog (most people don’t) they would all see that autism isn’t the only thing I have. I was given more issues by how I was treated early on in my life. What is the point when none of you read my stuff? When you dismiss me as a person?