I am well aware of the mistakes I’ve made before I really made an effort this year. The start of this year was up and down, I did make mistakes but it takes a few months to balance out when coming off antidepressants. I managed to do it. I was a lot larger this time last year. I have put the effort in but my whole personality will not change. I’m still me. Me is who I was aside from autism, BPD etc. I’m sorry if that is someone with an attitude who just wants her freedom from the 117 aftercare clause and to be treated as a valued person. I have absolutely no agenda here. I tell it exactly how it is whether others like it or not. As I said to a troll via TikTok o someone’s video earlier, I know what I went through and I wouldn’t have believed that the system was capable of such things if I hadn’t experienced it. I’m honest about the shit I did in the past. I was pushed to do things by others though. There are two sides to every story. Why shouldn’t people believe my side? Why does it always have to be the side documented by various professionals that is believed? I had people who didn’t know me judge me every single day of my life for years. This year has been the hardest I’ve worked at things in a very long time. I will NOT have anyone ruin that by either accusing those of us sharing our experiences of being a liar or others that I have on social networks pointing stuff out that I did before I started coming off my antidepressants and sorting stuff out. No one is perfect and if others knew the amount of bullshit I have to deal with or at least had to deal with growing up those standards would not be risen so high. I do want answers from things that have happened in the past. That will stop my issues I haven’t managed to fix yet, for example: the fear I have when it comes to other people. I have to fix that before I can end my loneliness. It’s not an over night thing. It never will be. I can’t ever be perfect. I’m always going to be a little stressed in certain areas because I want things I just have never been able to maintain even if I’ve managed to get them briefly. I am only human so stop expecting me to be some super well rounded being that no longer stressed over anything.
People look at me as someone who has this mega independent life and I don’t rely on anyone else etc. I absolutely hate my life. I never wanted any of this. I wanted to be part of a family but mine was absolutely broken so I never got it. That is something that I can’t be blamed for because it was like that way before I was born. I don’t sleep because I feel so alone. People tell me I’m still young enough for life to flip around. At this point that just isn’t going to happen. The loneliness is reducing me to tears at the moment all the time. I don’t even want to meet anyone. I just don’t want to keep existing this way. I do have kind of friends but they’re so used to me not hanging with them that we don’t meet up etc. I made it clear when I lost Jonny that social stuff was never going to be a priority because, as I said, I always wanted be part of a family, mine was taken from me. And you expect me to be nice to others? They never was nice to me growing up so why should I be? People have a habit of taking and never giving me anything back. So I’m no longer giving anyone anything. I’m also the only one who holds their hands up to making genuine mistakes but then end up with others who actually don’t know me personally, because they never bothered, chucking it back in my face. Whenever I’m upset they come and rub it in. No one ever gives me a chance. They are so quick to criticise me but don’t actually know me at all. They judge me by other people they know with the same diagnosis. Every autistic person is different! If you even bother to read the blog (most people don’t) they would all see that autism isn’t the only thing I have. I was given more issues by how I was treated early on in my life. What is the point when none of you read my stuff? When you dismiss me as a person?
I didn’t see daylight again. I fell asleep for a few more hours because I was tired after not much sleep last night (well, today). There is no point being awake because I literally have nothing in life. I realised how alone I was earlier after reading an email from someone. I still wish their business to go bad because they’ve made me feel like nothing. They don’t think that they’re upsetting me by directly refusing to be friends but to a person who has no one that mentally affects them negatively. I read that and no longer wanted to leave the house again. I just wanted to go back to sleep. I can’t not go out the house for a second day. It feels like a huge thing and there is no point to it. Why can’t someone just be my friend? Why does that never happen? It doesn’t matter how extra nice I am. Everyone has at least one friend they hang around with regularly. I don’t get to have that ever. I’m destined for a life of being alone which I don’t like anymore.
I’m sorry but uneducated comments get to me enough to do an actual blog post on it. It may seem obsessive and weird to others but that is just how the outside world perceives layers that they don’t understand. As I said previously, I don’t talk about my inner self. I only really talk about things on a surface level otherwise I start to feel too exposed. I get naturally over excitable when I meet new people. That is an autistic thing but probably is made worse by the BPD. I go into people pleasing mode and before I completely mentally blocked myself from the favourite person thing that would also kick in. You can be hyper fixated on people due to past trauma. That doesn’t mean it’s something to be concerned about. There are very few autistic people that will actually do anything toward someone else because of the above. I cannot say that it doesn’t happen because my character is different from others diagnosed with autism. I had my moments as a younger person when I didn’t take rejection well. I still don’t like it but I wouldn’t try to ruin someone else’s life. The intensity of an autistic mind is probably hard for neurotypical people to understand. They just don’t see life stuff intensely. I can get something in my head if I perceive it as injustice. I won’t let go of it because I literally can’t until I get justice or whatever. Trauma plays out differently in an autistic persons mind. It can impact on their future ability to get into relationships and keep them. I have never found love yet because trauma doesn’t allow me to go there. Then I’m sat wondering to myself… do I deserve love ? If no one is prepared to actually love me? Is it something I will just never have? I have my walls up but I crave love at the same time. That is due to others shaming me for stuff in the past. I don’t think I can possibly explain it any clearer. I literally don’t know how to describe anything any clearer.
I didn’t sleep much because I didn’t get to sleep until this morning. I’m not ever going to be settled. I hate feeling like I’m at conflict with anyone. I’m a peaceful person. It’s hard thinking that I’m never going to speak to other people again. I should protect my energy more but this is partly why I cancelled future appointments. I can’t be too free and easy because my walls automatically come up and make things complicated. I also far too easily want to fight anyone who is saying it’s not true that social services but kids up for adoption too much when they could stay with their parents. Those that don’t believe it are simply enabling that practice to continue. I would have never believed it if I hadn’t gone through it. I heard stories that I thought were way too far fetched before I had my son. I didn’t believe them because I literally thought these things can’t be happening. I thought wrong and ended up going through it myself. It’s simple… the more who don’t believe these things happen, the same practices continue. It would be totally illegal to sneak hidden cameras into these closed court hearings but I would be prepared to make it happen because I feel that this is the only way to sway those that don’t believe. If we start leaking multiple videos out into the public then evidence is circulated which backs up what we have said after our experiences. Those that arrange the cameras to be in those hearings could be charged with contempt but if it ends the lack of support and child snatching culture of a system that quite frankly cannot be bothered when it comes to welfare of vulnerable people… that seems totally worth it in my eyes. No one will believe the cruelty of the system against those of us who have autism etc unless we film it and leak it out there on a mass scale. There are now cameras everywhere. It was harder to do before literally everyone had cameras on their phones. I don’t want to feel like I’m going up against people because all I want is peace in my life after everything. That’s what I feel is automatically happening and I don’t want that. The things that I have involved myself in as an activist does cause conflict between myself and others. I don’t want that to happen but also if I feel strongly about something and also been through it, the balance is simply not negotiable to me. I’m relentless in my approach because I know that is the way to get listened to. It doesn’t work in my personal life and I do find it hard to flip from one mode to another so sometimes I’m in relentless mode when I shouldn’t be. People just seem to abandon me when they get to know me because I just can’t dampen that side of my personality. I always have my walls up so that appears standoffish. That shows that my activism is needed because I’m like that due to how the system treated me when younger. If people manage to get passed that exterior protective wall I’m not that bad. I do have a softness underneath but this doesn’t get shown much. I am childlike but I don’t like showing that because people think your naive and take advantage. I can’t let people see me like that if I’m trying to lead certain activism stuff. It was harder when I used to look very young and actually resembled a child in my mid 20s because any authority I wanted wasn’t obtainable due to the perception that no one wants a twenty something who looks younger being in a leadership position. I was also quieter when that age and wouldn’t stick up for myself so got bullied a lot. I’m not so involved in the activism stuff nowadays because I’ve grown up and constantly tired so I only dip in and out of it. The tiredness comes from constantly living with my walls up. It’s hard never being able to properly mentally rest. I swear that even when I’m asleep my brain never stops being active. That can be quite annoying when random thoughts literally wake you up. I would honestly walk away from the activism stuff and never say another word if the right thing came along in my life. I’m aware that activism doesn’t give people a stable life which is what I’d prefer. Of course, I will never forget the things I have campaigned about but personally I want freedom in a way. I know that there are plenty of people who will continue that stuff. I want to be able to finally not have to live with my walls up always looking over my shoulder fearful of other people who haven’t agreed with stuff I’ve been involved in. It’s horrible and it affects every connection I make in my life because even when I’m being friendly, half of me is on my guard which is hell when it comes to the anxiety that gives me.