I just can’t right now ok.

I’m not well right now. Physically I am completely beaten up by sleep deprivation. I need to try get proper sleep for at least a few months to start to feel normal again. I’m probably not helping walking every day at least 20,000 steps a time because that isn’t resting. I have to walk when I feel upset over things. That is the only way I eventually get over stuff. It may take months/years but eventually I literally walk it out of me. I know that I can’t do that and build up my energy. I don’t want to be alone with my own thoughts because I will feel the upset emotions that I feel. I don’t want to feel that hurt again. The thing between me and someone else has really knocked my confidence. It was already low. I can’t see anything good about myself right now. I don’t really want to do anything, make plans etc. I just want to exist and be trying to do every day things. I’m not getting much done around my flat at the moment. I struggle to want to get up during the day. I can’t think of anything worse than socialising right now. I’m really put off being around other people. They are just stressful and my head can’t deal with the way others can be at the moment. I will always be affected by the things from my past which caused me trauma (see earlier post this week). I can’t be fully healed after all that. I’m not trying to not move on with life. I have limits when it comes to trusting other people and getting into potential relationships. I stay single to not have to deal with all that. I have had guys approach me getting very offended when I said no to getting to know them. It’s not personal. I don’t think my trauma will ever let me be in a relationship. I also think that they’re not taking into account that I swing more toward women. I know that if I wanted to have another child I would have to settle with a man. I’m just not ready for all that. It’s never been a priority for me. I am damaged to the point that I have a mental barrier to letting others close. I have this bubble around me that no one can see. People have to stay outside that space otherwise it just doesn’t work. I get anxious without even realising it. The whole relationship building is something I have never done. I have fleeting associations with people. Some friends that have loosely been around me for years but we aren’t close. We only stayed in touch via social media. I’ve always been the independent type. I have never properly needed anyone else. I’ve learned not to need anyone else because I have felt abandoned so many times. It would be nice to feel a sense of belonging at some point in life but that’s highly unlikely to ever happen. Others can feel the autism part of me a mile off even if they don’t know what exactly is ‘off’ about me. Neurotypical people have a natural tendency to leave out neurodivergent people because they think collectively whereas we don’t. They synch together within their circles but we are like that add on software that the causes a computer operating system to just crash every time there’s an attempt to connect it to the main network. It doesn’t help that technically I’m retarded. I don’t agree that I am but a psychologist did a series of IQ test activities with me as part of a psychological assessment when I was pregnant. The results were so scattered and inconsistent that she couldn’t score it. I also did better in areas that traditionally autistic people would score poorly on. That probably backs my point of view about feeling like I am in the middle between neurodivergent and on the edge of neurotypical. I’ve always felt like I can’t relate to either group much.


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