This is how the way people treated me affected me.

I would just like to point out what so called professional boundaries did to me growing up. It moulded me into a traumatised person in many ways. I will explain. I saw others who weren’t autistic get accepted by the same people who pushed me away. That gave me a complex of being below everyone else and that my needs didn’t really matter. That was the same message I got at home because I had a dad with a disability who had to be put first whenever his illness kicked off. He did give a lot to me but as I got to my teenage years his illness got worse until eventually he had to retire early. We weren’t able to do a lot toward the end of his life. The feelings of abandonment got intensified after I was sectioned and sent away. I was basically sent away by all those that I had emotionally turned to over my younger years. I wouldn’t wish the environment I was sent to on anyone, not even if I held a vast amount of hatred for them. I don’t really talk in detail about the secure unit I ended up in at 19 years old. It did damage me though. I saw a lot of stuff behind closed doors that were really sad. It did make me a better person but at the same time I felt too young to see some of those things. Then I left the care home environment in my early 20’s. I had an immature attitude for ages due to the rejection trauma. I had lost my dad at 21and decided to have a baby by 25. I did various qualifications while living there to do with media and IT. It was difficult to actually get a job because people knew I was an ex care home kid. There’s a lot of stigma. Then when you come to having children as someone who was previously in care the services really do make it difficult. They will refer everyone who has left care to social services while pregnant for ‘help’. The reality of that so called help is bullying constantly pushing a parent until they fail which means they have the child for adoption. I was forced to move back to an area that never treated me with even a shred of respect because I was told that they’d take him at birth if I didn’t, then they still pushed me to fail and ended up taking him anyway. That also made me feel like merely a baby making machine for a couple who is probably much more privileged and well off than me. They have that ready made family while I’m left with barely anything. I wanted a family. I am ok single most of the time but occasionally I think that it would be nice to have someone. That has become more of a thing now I’m older but I know it’s never going to be a reality. The whole thing affected me mentally so much that for years I barely had anything personalised in my home apart from the photos of my son. The surroundings were bland and cold looking. That reflected how I felt inside after everything I had been through. The constant rejection from an early age using the professional boundaries excuse when the same people were welcoming to others and accepted them has had a long term impact on me. I see myself as worthless. I never reached any of my full potential because I felt not valued enough to get the drive to do that. I was never talented enough, pretty enough, able enough for people to make an exception when it came to the professional boundaries thing. Those I saw them making that exception with were much better than me, I could never meet them standards. I’ve never explained my trauma on here before. I was never going to say anything until I got off that mental health clause. I can now talk more freely off of it.