I don’t really want to move. I have to leave here.

I have now decided that the Scotland idea wasn’t an option for me. It’s too cold up there. I hate the cold that we get here already and we don’t get snow like them. I feel the cold too much. I am very tired at the moment from the build up of not enough sleep for the last 6 ish months. I don’t have the energy to do tasks every day so moving is too much for me right now. I am fully aware of the thing where someone never moves if they don’t make themselves by a certain age. I’m still just about young enough. I just physically feel a lot older due to sleep issues. I have come to terms with the fact I won’t ever have any more children. I probably won’t ever be able to settle in a relationship due to trauma. I never used to accept that previously. I am now. I probably would be more settled mentally if I moved away from the area I was born in. I would definitely be less anxious and fearful. I just want to be accepted for who I am. That is all I’ve ever wanted. I would stay here if I felt that but I never have. I don’t socialise much because I feel left out like I did at school. It doesn’t change as an adult. The outside world is just a larger version of school. Once labelled, that is what you always will be. It will be your identity for life. I have to accept that I will always be a weird, freaky loser to others. I will always be an outsider. I can’t change that. It is what it is. I have started to really play on the weird freaky loser vibes to rub it in and play to my blogs audience (readers) because I like to play around sometimes. I do feel self conscious and stiff upsets me a lot underneath the surface.


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