Sleep deprivation is setting in now. I have to say this regardless what others think.

I have been trying to hold it together… ignore my feelings and how stuff is keeping me awake. I can’t now. I barely sleep and it’s starting to catch up with me. I feel sleep deprived. I literally am too tired to function. I have tried to understand the point of view others may have and put my needs to the bottom of my priorities. I can’t do that anymore though. I need that conversation that someone else doesn’t want to have with me. I know it’s going to be hard. I am aware it’s going to be hard for me. I have anxiety that literally takes my voice and I can’t say a word. I run away a lot and since my sons adoption I’m very avoidant due to fear. I need proper sleep. Things cannot be avoided anymore. I’m not saying anyone has to be cool with me completely but clearing the air would at least allow me to sleep. It was a misunderstanding. The language barrier and autism on opposite sides aren’t a good mix. I’m English but I learned to communicate using song lyrics and the writing skills that I have are self taught. I didn’t have much schooling so I just winged it and filled in the gaps as I aged. I’m still really young and learning. I’m not a 36 year old in brain. I was still a teenager in brain when I had Jonny in my mid 20s. I’ve always been a bit backwards because I’ve had to catch up with those my own age my entire life. I don’t show my feelings correctly due to aspects of my life which meant I never developed much emotionally. That wasn’t my fault. That was my background. It took me years to understand that and not feel like I had failed in that area. I try hard in life despite those challenges. I sometimes make mistakes but I don’t want them to not be fixable. I am like a foreign person in some respects. I know English… to a point in a simplified way from missing lots of schooling. There’s so much stuff that people do or believe in our culture that I will just never understand which will always be a little weird to me. I write a lot but don’t speak much and have very few full conversations with people. I know that will always make me an outsider and lead to people making assumptions about me. That will always be annoying but I am always going to be verbally shy and introverted. I can’t change that part of me.

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