So my sleep pattern is awful.

I’m still awake at 4 am. I managed to get a parking space when I got home… that hasn’t been possible in over a week. I first managed to get one on Thursday. The car still has lots of bits on it from the trees I had to park under when car park was constantly full. I’m hoping that delivery comes tomorrow. I had enough of watching the tracker yesterday and suddenly having it say sorry we can not deliver today. I wouldn’t have minded so much if I hadn’t paid for next day delivery. I paid double to get my laptop one day earlier but it never arrived the next day. They say it’s priority but I’m hoping that means yesterdays parcels are first to be delivered otherwise I’m going to be spending most of the day in waiting for it again. I may have got the delivery driver in trouble for complaining so they will probably be weird with me when dropping it off. There is one that this has happened with a few times when suddenly it’s gone onto can’t be delivered today. He is quite a grumpy driver. Yodel does have a reputation for being unreliable and so does evri (formerly Hermes) but it depends what delivery driver drops the package. We have had some good evri ones and one or two good ones from yodel in the area I live in. The yodel driver I had the other day who picked up broken vacuum cleaner parcel and dropped a pouffe off for me was good. DPD dropped the new vacuum cleaner off exactly in the time slot they’d given me via text. I didn’t have anything go wrong with the delivery process until yesterday. I’m very tired most of the time due to my sleep pattern being hit and miss. I only sleep for a few hours at a time when I do manage any sleep. I forget things easily and am impatient when small things go wrong because when you’re tired it feels huge. I push through tiredness because I don’t have any other option. I don’t have a solution to fix it. The GP just says it’s part of autism if I approach them. I just have to suffer then for life I guess. I get stressed out about not getting sleep because I wake up feeling like crap most days. Then I get constantly woken up by dreams which can be very annoying. I probably would be able to sleep if I moved away. I know people where I grew up. They will gossip, label people and others will believe them. Then the person being discussed gets shunned and basically becomes an outcast. I’m not an outcast. If people properly got to know me rather than taking the word of others then they would see that I’m actually quite normal behind the effects of trauma given to me emotionally by various stuff that either happened in my life or part of my surrounding environment. The whole culture of gossip and people lying about each other around here makes me unable to settle. The nasty people in this area (I’m being polite) did this crap to me while I was growing up when I was too naive so I fell into every trap they set etc. I actually trusted some of them but then got labelled awfully because of the lies those I trusted told those in authority, I ended up getting labelled a criminal, sectioned and sent away. I was a youngster who just needed love and all they did was use / abuse me emotionally. I wasn’t always good but neither are teenagers in general, they’re downright moody and rebel a lot. I’m now an adult who is not so naive, I was naive when I lost my son to adoption because I was stupid enough to believe the system was there to help. That set up is just as toxic as the people in the community who gossip and tell lies about people. Both base their lies on truths from a persons life. Both use those truths to try to destroy a person’s life. One is just structured and the other is informal. None of you know anything about my private life properly. Most of you only know snippets. That means all assumptions will most likely be wrong about me. I am quiet. I don’t socialise a lot nowadays. I didn’t really venture that far for more than a decade after my sons adoption happened because I was totally emotionally broken. It’s still hard to do life after that happening but time makes it sting less. I will never be the same person I was before losing my son. I was a very trusting, somewhat naive person. I fully opened my heart up for everyone to see. That led to people screwing me over and the system taking my son. I no longer believe that anyone or organisation will truly support anyone unless there’s something in it for them. I don’t and will never trust anyone ever again. I was let down far too much.

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