This is what makes me tired, it can’t be fixed (at least not by me).

The thing that makes me very exhausted is the following. I am aware that I would be seen as ‘too sensitive’ when it comes to the perception of others. I am sure this comes from my school days. Those years can impact us more than we think they will at that time. I was always the autistic kid who felt left out. I literally had no friends as I grew older. The ones I did have was only temporary and superficial where I merely hung out when we were at college etc. I really don’t like feeling constantly left out. That didn’t change when I grew up. People just like to dislike me easily. I try my hardest but I never seem ‘good enough’ for their ‘ standards’. I know it’s a stigma not working but I have a reason for not working. I know that many disabled people do work. If I made the transition though I would be worse off. I’m not putting myself in that position to get acceptance of others. I’m not lazy in any shape or form. The value on my head is not based upon a career etc. That seems to be how status is worked out in most cultures and places around the world. I don’t want to start work or even volunteer and end up letting people down because I’m that tired I can’t make it to somewhere on any given day. That’s actually more harmful than helpful. I do stuff unpaid on my own schedule because that is the only way I can function in a capacity that doesn’t mess other peoples plans up. If circumstances were different and I wouldn’t lose so much money working or lacking the energy to do normal functioning then believe me I would be excelling big time now that I’m free off of that mental health clause. I would be making up for lost time, putting myself out there and putting myself on display to get the acceptance that I’ve always wanted. I can’t do that right now until my health problems improve and there has been no change for a long time.

%d bloggers like this: