I try but I don’t think I can ever be the previous non traumatised person I was previously.

I have come a long way. I never thought that I’d get to this point. There’s parts of me that I would like to improve which may be impossible for me. Trauma from losing my son to adoption and other stuff in my life has caused damage that I cannot fix. I can’t open my heart to love etc. I’m far too guarded to ever go there. I don’t feel able to get out there and be around people socially. I shut myself away for many years. I’m extremely mentally tired. That won’t go away. There’s no guarantee that all my hard work trying to get the laws changed which are allowing forced adoption situations will ever pay off. I don’t want any reward for that work. I just want to be reunited with my son one day and that may never happen regardless of the work I put into law change campaigning. It will be absolutely heartbreaking if I never am reunited with him. I can’t have any more children because I’m affected by trauma too much. I’m terrified to mentally go there again in case I have another child removed for adoption. I can’t open my heart to be in a relationship to have anymore children under those circumstances. The tiredness that I feel is wrecking me at the moment. I am taking my anti inflammatory medication on a daily basis but that still isn’t completely taking my finger / knee down. I’m taking my iron tablets and increased my daily calorie consumption to try to fix stuff but it’s not improving. I guess that I may have to go on permanent medication for my new arthritis diagnosis.


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