I have so much to do but very tired.

I didn’t get to sleep until very late. I woke up after a few hours needing the toilet so then I was awake again. I’m going to try to sleep for a few more hours. I have really bad ear scabs again. I’ve given up with my hair because it’s gone so dry and frizzy. I have a lot to do but I’m too tired to much right now. I keep getting my brain try to turn itself off. I first experienced it around Jonny’s (my son’s) birthday. I end up just sat there unable to do anything. I can be playing a game on my phone or whatever and it’s like I go numb mentally. I feel really disconnected. I’m not really mentally there. I have felt a lot of things however this is new to me. I have reached a mental tiredness that I never previously got to before. It’s hard emotionally fighting for things that may never happen. I know that laws are hard to get changed when it comes to stopping the forced adoption stuff happening in this country (forced is basically courts dispensing of parents consent so that they have no say or choice about their child going for adoption). It’s so hard to keep the hope when the process takes years to get certain changes officially implemented. There’s no guarantee that it will ever change. I’m burnt out mentally and emotionally. Physically I can do a lot. The other parts have switched off because I’m so tired in other ways. I am always tired but at the same time I can’t sleep. That makes no sense. I have the odd night where I get proper sleep. That doesn’t happen often. I somehow seem to balance it which allows me to function just enough to do every day life. That is getting more difficult. I can’t physically rest. I have an adhd mind. I feel disturbed if my mind gets too quiet. It’s weird and I end up thinking about things that has traumatised me. I had bad dreams for years when I let my mind rest. That finally stopped most of the time. I get the odd one every so often now. I know that my mind shouldn’t be that way. Trauma effects everyone uniquely and that is how it’s left me. I don’t trust other people. I’m always on my guard. That is probably always going to be me.

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