Late night thoughts… I don’t know certain things right now.

I keep getting asked what I plan to do with my freedom now that I’m off that mental health clause. I honestly don’t know. I didn’t believe that I would ever get it to happen. I wasn’t holding out hope when I was aware that no one else has ever got off the 117 thing. The fact that I was told you’re normally on it for life. I had plans but they were very loosely based ones. I didn’t want to get my hopes up only for them to be smashed apart at the last minute. I’ve stayed hopeful about things a lot of times in my life and nothing went right. I then stopped being hopeful because it just emotionally crushed me when the inevitable happened. The answer to the question I keep getting is this… the news that I’m off that clause after approximately 15 years is still sinking in. It means multiple things to me. It’s a big f you to people who treated me badly, thought I was mad or a danger and a layer of anger shed toward my past for me. That layer of anger caused problems in my present life because when it bubbled to the surface I was awful to others that didn’t really deserve it when you look at the bigger picture. I’m not saying what plans I may have on here until I’ve done them. I don’t want anyone being vindictive trying to ruin things. I half want more children but I’m not sure I will go ahead with that idea. I’m not sure if I’m fully into the idea. I like my own space and I don’t think I’m going to meet anyone to have a child with. I meet plenty of people but I just can’t see myself being with any of them in a committed relationship to have children. I’m always tired naturally. I don’t think I can do pregnancy and children like that. The first time was a bad experience. It wrecked my body for years afterward. I was never the same again in some places. I don’t think I can handle that again physically. I’m not well a lot which would not help that situation. I have a child out there who can come find me whenever he wants, it’s not like I am childless completely. I honestly don’t plan life anymore because my plans never worked out previously.

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