Why does it have to stay this way?

I’m going to have to get up soon. I have to get to the bank before it closes. I went back to sleep for a while because I was that exhausted from long walks, building furniture and general thinking. I had some crazy entertaining dreams. I can’t remember the details but it was fun. Anyway, back to reality. I don’t know why things have to stay the same between myself and others. I did the right thing. That is more than what the old me would have done. I apologised when I reached out and walked away. I didn’t push. I really wanted to push. I had to fight to keep my mouth shut or fingers from typing anything and sending. I still don’t want the disconnect though. I’m not asking that we be even friends, just on good terms. I feel rejected etc at the moment due to how they’ve been with me. I don’t give a crap what people in this small town assume. I just don’t want to feel like I’m walking on egg shells around here due to the other person owning local businesses. I don’t want to feel pre-banned from anywhere. I could fully relax if things were ok between us. Talking to each other is going to be awkward but only if we make it that way. I want them to approach me because I don’t want to force them to do it until they’re ready. I never apologised to get what I want. That isn’t who I am. I totally won’t apologise unless I absolutely mean it. I don’t give people anything in order to receive something back. That isn’t who I am. I was hoping that they would get over what was said and come talk to me. I know they’re busy but a conversation during the evening via email only takes half an hour at the most. They could ring me but I don’t like phone conversations. It would be best to meet up but I know that they don’t have the time.

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