Still a mess :(

It appears that I didn’t get to sleep until the morning again. I had to wait for hair to dry enough. I put it up slightly damp because it was taking a long time. I have to get up soon because my flat is a mess. I’m exhausted though. I got to the point of burn out where my knee and finger actually hurt. I’m just so tired. I have scabby skin and just feel like I’m dragging myself about. I wanted to go the gym today I’m not sure it’s a good idea when I’m already in pain. It helps sometimes but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m very tired. I have stuff to do around here which is going to be hard being this tired. I am trying to be not hurt over stuff. It seems that is more difficult than I thought. I’m not able to trick my mind into not being bothered. I’m not that kind of person. The only way I can do it is to numb myself. That happens when I’m burnt out a lot. It’s like my brain just shuts up. I may be physically present but mentally I’m somewhere else far away from my physical existence. It’s hard to explain. I was able to do this last night. It is the curse of being intuitive etc. I feel everything intensely. I wish that wasn’t something that was my reality. Others can’t see how things destroy me so easily. I’m trying to hold it together and not be bothered by stuff but that leads to burn out. I still don’t know if putting my past out there on here in documents was a good idea. It probably wasn’t. I will not be made to feel ashamed ashamed for who I used to be. I’m not the same person now. I understand stuff a lot more. It is not a bad or shameful thing to want to feel loved after experiencing emotional neglect earlier in life. It’s not wrong. I won’t be made to feel that I’m an awful person for wanting that or be seen as weird for something others grow up taking for granted. None of the outside world knows what goes on behind closed doors in peoples private life. It’s none of their business but there is always reasons why people end up with certain issues. That doesn’t make them weird or bad because the outside world doesn’t understand them. I suffer daily because of that emotional neglect. I only put bits on the blog. People don’t have a clue about the long term effects of being neglected. It affects you for life. The inability to connect with others. The lack of trust you have when it comes to other people. The sleepless nights because you’re so empty inside being unable to make any emotional connection with other people. Your needs don’t matter because that is how it’s always been. You’re not good enough no matter how hard you try. If you don’t have the right emotional input growing up there is no way you’ll ever have close friendships or constant relationships in your life. There is an inability to be close to others without getting scared and messing things up out of fear and internalised anger. I know a lot of people but they aren’t friends. I can’t connect with them on that level. I’m naturally closed off even when I’m trying to be open. That comes from being shamed for my issues. I learned that having those needs was weird to others and something that I could receive negative reactions about.

%d bloggers like this: