I literally just found this out today!

Even though I’m autistic I don’t know every single thing about my condition. The thing that I get into trouble for… being brutally honest and intentionally hurtful with my words is part of an autistic meltdown. That actually means I can’t always help it. That is no excuse but it explains how when I’ve got really pissed off and stressed with others I’ve just gone ahead saying whatever comes into my head created by that anger with absolutely no filter. That does actually mean that people have been punishing me for things I can’t help my entire life. Yes, I manage to control these aspects of myself more now I’m older but occasionally they ‘slip out’ when I get emotional with others. Then my hyper sensitivity to the way others act toward me is explained by the autistic trauma responses. Repressed stims… I’m never allowed to communicate how I am naturally programmed so that is basically like a stun for me. I’m in a constant shame cycle when it comes to my past because others have conditioned me to feel shame about who I am. Unmet needs, that is a major thing with me. I don’t have any support which results in burn out regularly. Even when I had support it wasn’t what I needed so it was counter productive. I need the emotional support and bonds with others but I can’t have that due to others pushing me away for the meltdowns. Therefore I do have repressed emotions that I can’t show. I don’t even believe in love after my experiences in life. Yes, you can be one of the lucky ones that find a life partner / soulmate however I don’t believe that we all have one. I have to mask my distress because the world around me gives me no other option. That makes me unable to sleep. I do have a negative self image (I don’t think I’m attractive in any way or that I have anything to offer). I had crippling anxiety and depression before I made the decision that I had to go back on antidepressants. That is what led to the meltdown mode that upset someone else who will probably never speak to me again. It’s hard for the outside world to understand. I can only try to explain it. I can’t make others forgive me for those meltdown modes where I had no filter and tried to be as hurtful as possible. They will be controlled most of the time by my antidepressants now though so there shouldn’t be a repeat of what happened previously. It’s all about managing it, I can’t do that without medication. I tried but in the end it just ended up impossible. The anxiety was just too intense all the time.

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