I hate being awake even today.

I don’t even want to be awake today. I can’t function with the little amount of sleep I’m getting but I can’t change the stuff that is keeping me awake. I’m a peaceful person who doesn’t want to have conflict with anyone. I just want things to be peaceful but they aren’t. It doesn’t feel peaceful as things have been left. I can’t force others to be decent toward me. I feel like everything is a fight. I don’t want that. I just want a chance that others aren’t willing to give me. That is important to me but I can’t push that in their faces because it’s not the neurotypical thing to do. I have to act neurotypical regardless of it being hard for me. Their tactics are the ones that work long term when you’re dealing with neurotypical people. I have to play it cool like I don’t care and it doesn’t affect me. Yes, I know that is technically masking. I never used to mask which got me labelled so now I am. It’s stressful. I know what I want. I am aware that it is most likely not what the other person will ever want. This month isn’t easy for me anyway. I would appreciate kindness but I’m not going to get that. I have pinged up on the scales as far as weight is concerned. I can’t keep it down consistently when my sleep pattern is like this. I sometimes shoot up before I lose a chunk of weight however I can’t be sure whether it’s that or just me doing less because I’m tired. I was thinking last night how unhappy I am. I am grateful for what I do have. I appreciate stuff. I just carry this deep rooted unhappiness that I have never been able to shake due to my life experiences. Happiness isn’t something I have ever been able to feel. It just doesn’t seem to be part of who I am. I naturally feel any darkness in energies around me and others due to my gifts. It is hard to be happy when you know how much those energies impact our lives. I have darkness that surrounds me. I feel it every day of my life. I don’t think it’s just depression. I think it’s something dark which has attached itself to my energy at some point in my life. I really wasn’t scared of this stuff when I was younger. I didn’t understand it. That meant that I let anything in without protecting myself. I didn’t realise how dangerous the darker energies were. I have the ability to control the energy around me now but I still may have something latching into it that is dark and hasn’t good intentions. They can influence the living so I try to control my thoughts just in case I’m being mislead by things that latch onto those of us with gifts. I don’t believe in evil spirits. There are just those that aren’t at rest who do want to cause suffering to the living because of how they lived their lives. I am aware that a lot of people believe that demons exist in the paranormal field. They aren’t former human spirits. Those ones don’t come from our world. They are that way not from human experiences. I don’t understand them. I hope that I don’t have any of those types hanging around me. I would think that I would be aware. I hope that I would be aware. I’m not scared of those things so they probably wouldn’t attack someone like me. I am very tired so I’m probably going to be quiet today online. I’m going to go before I drop off to sleep.

%d bloggers like this: