I can’t sleep again. I just can’t be who I am not.

I told myself that I would forget everything and no longer allow it to keep me awake. It is easier said than done. I have so many things unanswered in my head which I know I will never discuss with others who refuse to talk to me. I wish that I was not like this… unfortunately I cannot snap my fingers and be unbothered because I’m not that type of person. I won’t push things with others because I’m trying to behave more neurotypical but it’s still hurting me and making me think I’m a defective person. I just want everything to be ok but my intuition is telling me there is no sorting certain things. I’m written off by certain others and not allowed in their life in any way. I kind of deserve it for my part but I wasn’t the only one that did something. I reacted to them being cold with me. I felt hurt by that. I know that retaliating never makes it better but until afterward it seems like a reasonable reaction at the time. They can’t expect me to not react negatively to how they acted toward me. Whether I’m autistic or neurotypical it is a natural thing to do. I’m probably pre-banned from certain places. I don’t go out socially so it won’t affect me. Why would I? People have acted so shitty toward me, why would I want to hang with them as a collective? There’s so many snakes in small areas who will hang with you and then stir it for a bit of entertainment. I won’t put myself in that position. I was bullied at school and college… some bullies never grow out of it as adults. Even if I don’t socialise I still get treated like shit. I know that no one knows me well. I don’t feel safe letting people know me enough. There’s nothing suspicious about me, I just fear letting people close to me. I don’t even have a close relationship with my family members. I just can’t trust anyone enough to rely on them. I cope on my own and that is how it will always be. I won’t get married, have a family and probably never work. I would have to have relationships with others in all those scenarios which is an absolute no when it comes to my anxiety and distrust of people. If my son ever finds me I’m willing to try because he isn’t like others, he is technically part of me so we are connected enough for me to trust him. I feel naturally uneasy around others because of my past. I am aware that others can pick up those vibes from me, they misinterpret that as their intuition saying don’t trust me, however they are just picking up how uncomfortable I am around others.

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