Life confuses me :/

I got to have a rest today because my plans got cancelled due to the weather conditions. I’m kind of glad. That migraine would have been bugging me all day. Anyway, life really confuses me. People are not logical whatsoever. I’m not bothered if others take a disliking to me. I do not live my life to please them. I do get miffed at being kicked out of things with no explanation. I know that I kept my autism side hidden on purpose so I don’t know what I have done. I don’t care about others actions but an explanation would be nice. If others don’t tell me what I’ve supposedly done wrong then I don’t know. I’m intuitive but I’m not a mind reader. I may stress out a lot over things that really shouldn’t matter due to insecurities. However, I am much more mentally healed than I have been my entire life. I understand enough now to realise my issues and how they impacted my decisions in any given situation. I don’t always make the right choices because I’m still emotionally driven (that is why I get drained easily) rather than practical / logical. If I’m told what I have done then at least I know. If I am not told then I’m going to think of it as unfair. I will still think of it as unfair if someone tells me why I’m being treated in a certain way, but at least I will know that I deserved it then. I know that my distrust and anger comes out when I interact with others. I have that wall up naturally because of how I was treated in the past. It can make me quite a bitch at times. I’m working on that part of me. Others need to understand that I need that side of me due to aspects of my life which I do not and will never talk about on here. It’s basically how I survive. I can’t let my sensitive deeper layer of my personality be accessed by the outside world. I did in my past, that got me totally screwed over. I deal with everything on my own because I can keep that in a safe bubble. I sometimes slip up and end up randomly opening up to others but they always left so never again. I don’t think that anyone can lose a child to adoption and ever totally be the same mentally again. There is never an option to be fully healed.

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