Resting today. In my head.

I rested today because I woke up and then couldn’t get back to sleep for hours. I’m just in my head about whether I should explain certain things to others… whether it is worth it and it won’t make things worse. I have to word things right even if I do explain. That isn’t a strong area of mine. People have made fun of me in the past so it puts me off. Even if certain people don’t ever speak to me again I’d rather they didn’t see me negatively. That’s hurtful to me because I always try to do my best when it comes to others. Autism means that my best isn’t always satisfactory on neurotypical standards. The whole process of growing up learning to function in the neurotypical world is explaining things in a way that they would understand. These things I want to tell others are things I normally keep to myself. I’ve never told anyone the things I want to explain. I don’t even want to explain stuff to fix things. I just don’t want others assumptions to be in a negative light about me. That will be the case if I don’t explain these things. The fact that I got ridiculed in the past for explaining similar stuff but not this part puts me off a lot.