I’m not ‘ok’ or ‘good enough’ but that has been my life…

I’m not ok or good enough but that is and always has been a permanent state of my life. I come from an old fashioned family who just never believed in autism. They don’t think that conditions like ADHD etc are real. I’ve had professionals say to me that they know others with my condition that have children and didn’t lose them. They had support. I never had that and probably never will due to those around me throughout my life not understanding my condition enough. The family members can’t be taught. They are too set in their ways and have fixed beliefs. As a child I was punished to rid me of the autism. I wasn’t diagnosed then but what is seen as emotional / physical abuse nowadays but discipline then is how others tried to drive it out of me. It only gave me a fear of people which makes me want to isolate a lot. Part of my social brain was never allowed to actually develop due to that and being given the epilepsy medication which was way too strong for me between the ages of 8 to 11. I work Wright the parts of my brain that I have left that weren’t disabled by forms of abuse and medication. That is why I get so upset with how others have treated me for things I simply cannot help all the time. Some parts of my brain have stayed at the age where those things happened. I have only just learnt that this is what happens when someone has suffered trauma (mentally they revert back to the age when it happened to them, which explains why so many grown adults are actually quite immature). I only feel that I’m not ok when a pressure headache builds up from trying to function with only half a brain that actually reached adulthood functioning. I have never got the support that I need because no one understands my condition (even if you explain to someone who doesn’t experience it they still have difficulties relating to it), so I have learnt to cope on my own. I try to keep my life fairly simply purposefully because new things confuse me.

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