Today nearly didn’t happen…

I’m back from my walk now so I can go into more details of today. I tried to phone my mum and the place that I was going to see about parking. I had to send an email to those I had a meeting with eventually because I just couldn’t get a strong enough signal. I checked the signal coverage on the networks website and it said that it was busy on there. That never ever normally happens, I had to pop the shop down the road to let my mum know that I was about to leave my place because I literally couldn’t get a signal in the patch where I live (even in the car park). I also hadn’t bothered to put any clothes out so I was literally not sure what I would wear for a while. I had to iron a top which I had forgotten to iron with the rest of my stuff. Then I got delayed by the cat deciding that she was going to take a no. 2 in the litter tray. I put that into the rubbish bin … I didn’t want to go back to my flat later with that kind of smell. She decided to do it just as I was about to leave the flat. Then my monthly decided it was going to go heavy before the medication kicked in so then I had to go change that stuff. It was so annoying. It was like something didn’t want me to go today.

As far as support goes, I haven’t had any for the last 6 ish years. I am used to doing everything myself. The services I had previously told those funding the services (mentioned today) that it ended because I wouldn’t engage with them. They had no idea about autism regardless whether they were listed as a specialist autism service. They added to my trauma and all they really did was take me down the supermarket cafe nearby or the local garden centre cafe for a drink. They never gave me proper support or actually advocated for my needs. I’m sick of the system blaming clients for not engaging when the services fail. I did engage. Then they said I should probably stay on it without services in case I need services as an elderly person. I’m not planning to live that long and there is no way I’m staying on there for life, 15 years has been long enough. The sentence for murder is maximum 15 years in the uk, I didn’t do anything like that. I honestly just see that suggestion as a ploy to keep me on it for life. They say that it makes no difference to me whether the clause is active or not. That they fill in the review paper work to keep it on every year as part of their admin. They’ve basically been doing that for the last six years and filing it away. They say the above but I know it’s a monitoring thing and there is an actual stigma surrounding being on a mental health clause even if it’s angled as a funding thing. They can’t see my point of view. They think I want to come off of it purely because of the resentment about losing my son. That’s nothing to do with it. The adult team really didn’t do anything to keep my son with me or even helped keep some form of contact via letterbox with my son etc. That hasn’t had any influence on my decision I have made in the present day. That didn’t help with the pros of staying on the 117 clause but I was focusing on the here and now.

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