Lack of sleep will kill me one day.

I didn’t end up getting back to sleep. I have to be up in basically 2 hours. I swear that lack of sleep is going to lol me. I’m extremely exhausted most of the time. I try to use the spare energy I have for important stuff and then go home to sleep. I don’t even know what I am going to wear today. I’m already planning an early night before I’ve even got up. I don’t want to die but I also don’t want to live either because I can’t do this barely any sleep thing any longer. I wish dad would just come get me. 13 years after he has been passed away… I am tired and could do with a permanent break too. I hope he comes to get me soon. I’m not even scared anymore about my feeling I’ve had that I will be dead by 40. I have nothing in life. Yes, my son is out there but he will probably never come back. The cats are getting older so they won’t need me once they’re gone too. I’m sure that mum would have them for the last few years of their lives. I’m not even suicidal… I’m literally that tired. I would go right now so easily if given the chance. I miss dad, I really hope he greets me and takes me away if I go soon. Lack of sleep does kill people or at least makes them go mad eventually. I have done the whole home mad thing so it will probably kill me next. I have some really weird looking freckles on parts of my body since I got burnt in the heatwave last year. I know that I should wear sunscreen but I don’t because the smell is a sensory nightmare. The feel of the stickiness is also somewhat unpleasant. I don’t particularly want skin cancer either. I limited my time in the sun to a few hours a day. I did still get burnt but I was limiting the damage. I thought I was until those freckles started changing. I don’t want to look stupid going the doctors with dodgy freckles, it’s very hard to get an appointment anyway. I just wanted a few more hours sleep… it’s going to be a long day. I cried from lack of sleep. It’s frustrating not being able to sleep and then constantly exhausted trying to function. I can’t balance that any longer.

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