I need to clarify a few things. I put my past on here in black and white to try to stop anyone changing historical facts and making me out to be something I’m not. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve being cut off by someone so badly. I have tried to be nice but there is only so much I can be that way if they won’t change their mind about me. I am open and honest about my life to change the general narrative out there surrounding autism / mental health. I’ve not done anything terrible… at least not in current times. I won’t be treated like I have etc. I tried to put a stop to it by publishing my past on here in case it was due to small town gossiping. I feel victimised. I’m never going to be ‘normal’… I can’t be expected to ‘lose the autism’ from my personality completely. I may seem open but there is a huge part of who I am that the public do not see and aren’t allowed to see. I only let others go surface level. I have many layers to me. That doesn’t mean that they are bad… it means I want a private life as well as the public persona I am on here etc. I am a person with feelings, I do have empathy regardless of the assumptions about autism. Things that other people do / say and the way that they treat me do hurt me deeply. That is what caused me trauma in the first place. I half expect others to not be kind to me due to my past. I always think that I’m asking too much because that was always how I was taught. I have done everything in my power to change things that have happened but in reality I don’t have any influence because autistic people are seen as non people. We are treated like we don’t have feelings and when we dare to be brutally honest about others behaviour we get punished socially. Mother’s Day is a hard day for me so maybe my honesty about all this is also going to be quite brutal. Kindness and understanding seem too much to ask. I give it lots but I never get it back. Who is really the one with the problem here? I’m the one with the autism diagnosis but I’m giving / understanding. People use professionalism as an excuse to be awful to people who they see as below them for whatever reason. I am good enough. I’m below no one. I have worked extremely hard in life whether I’ve ever been formally employed or not. The category of your profession / career / job does not define your worth. Those that are on the top layers of those professions seem to have totally subscribed to that idea. I was overlooked my entire life, labelled, never given a chance. If someone had maybe taken a chance on me when I was young and given me opportunities then maybe I wouldn’t have had the life full of labels and punishment for my autism. It’s basically all about how someone is nurtured when they’re young. The only thing I have ever known is coldness and punishment for things I couldn’t help when in autistic meltdowns etc
One response to “I’m not happy about certain things… still.”
Thank you for sharing your story and raising awareness about autism and mental health. It takes courage to be open and honest, and your message is important. Keep being true to yourself and never forget your worth.