I feel left out but at the same time I don’t want certain things.

Sometimes I stay awake thinking about things. I’m lonely but at the same time I have absolutely no desire to be with anyone. I look at others having families and it does hurt me but I still know I’m too used to being alone to change things. The only thing that I find hard is not having anyone else to rely on. I have to emotionally prop myself up when I’m sad. I can’t turn to my family because they just don’t do emotional warmth. They’re old fashioned and some are quiet damaged (myself included) so they can’t do that kind of stuff. Even though I’m damaged I try to give to others but it always gets thrown back in my face. Those kinds of people will never know what it’s like to have no one due to their circumstances. Some people are fortunate enough never to really be alone. I have been on my own too long to change it. The whole concept of being with another person would seem alien to me. I’m also defensively mean when I feel people getting too close. I can’t not do that as a way of stopping myself getting hurt. I normally get hurt regardless anyway because things never last in lots of connections. I can’t lie. I am still quite hurt by the actions of others recently and I’m quite sure that is keeping me awake. I will have to just work around this … there is no way that anyone is going to change their mind. I’m just not good enough or worth it in the eyes of others.