Seriously reconsidering my decisions.

I managed to get some sleep before going out to get the bits that I needed today. That meant I got a few more hours sleep and didn’t have to drive until the snow had melted a bit. I now have my medication and all the other stuff I needed. I may as well go for a walk while I’m out. I can’t be lazy otherwise I will gain weight again.

I had a few texts from the guy I considered getting together with this morning. I wasn’t in a great mood because I had only gone to sleep at 7am and woke up again at 9 am. I had forgotten all the bad things about him. For instance, joking around about whether he gets a bj now… I don’t appreciate that kind of thing. I also remember him flashing his wealth in everyone’s faces when we were at college. I didn’t appreciate that as a person who didn’t come from money. He basically wasted all of that background when I would have taken full advantage of that privilege. Let’s face it, if he had still been in that circle rather than cut off by his wealthy family he wouldn’t be interested in the likes of me. Then he asks me what I’m busy doing… that is never anyone’s business but my own. I’m way too used to being single. I don’t want to be discussing my plans with someone else. I like being free. There is also the side of me that will never trust someone else because as a vulnerable adult I had a lot of people use me and purposefully be cruel to me due to them thinking my life meant less, that I had no feelings because of my autism. I used to talk to older men online when I was a child and saw nothing wrong with it but they sent presents to my home … only years later did I realise that they were probably sex offenders trying to groom me. I don’t like sexual jokes because Jonny’s dad basically used me for sex and someone once forced themselves on me. I haven’t been out on a night out since 2018 because of that. I can’t just forget my experiences and rejoin life without severe anxiety.

In other news, a blond haired blue eyed boy on a scooter approached me for money earlier. I didn’t give him any because if one local kid is seen getting money from me then they will all be cheeky enough to ask. It crossed my mind if this child might be my biological son but I have no idea what he would look like now. He had the same features. He looked slightly older than what Jonny would be but then he was born with longer legs and looked about 3 months old in size etc. If he is like me he would find an excuse to ask a question to potentially speak to his birth mum. I have already decided that I’m not stepping in until he is at least 14. He is too young to know the truth yet (he would be coming up for 11 now). If he comes to me beforehand then I will talk to him but he’s too young to know all details surrounding his adoption. I literally get called mum when I log onto TikTok live by a few of the youngster. It’s sweet but probably means I’m looking on the mature side now. I did get that cheeky comment about me looking 48 the other day. Thanks for aging me over a decade from my actual age.

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