Late night / early morning thoughts

I haven’t slept yet. I was tired but I just kept fighting it. I want to go home … I know that physically I’m in my home but mentally I feel like I’m living in an environment that just doesn’t feel like home. I feel absolutely lost. I don’t belong here despite being bought up in the area where I currently live. I feel really unwell physically at the moment. I should probably rest but I planned to go the gym today. I have the itchiest scrappy skin on my back right now. I had a nose bleed yesterday (that always happens when I push myself at the gym). I have a swollen knee again so I’m suffering for all the walking I’ve been doing lately. That is why it was so irritating when the scales pinged back up. I was trying hard to lose a bit more but now it’s gone the opposite way. I can feel my muscles developing so hopefully it’s water and muscle rather than actual body fat showing on the scales. I fall out with them regularly. I still have large thighs which I cannot stand. I naturally go wider in that area (pear shaped). I’m physically exhausted and emotionally drained. I don’t know if it’s hormones driving the fact that I feel really awful but I’m at the part building up to monthly. I fill up with water and just feel completely moody and uncomfortable. I am hurt over certain things and other peoples actions which is why I have thrown myself into keeping busy recently. I’m now burnt out and even though I’m extremely tired I can’t sleep.

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