Late night thoughts, no subject just awake waiting for hair to dry.

I’m only awake because my hair is in the process of drying. I put a protein treatment on it. I went for a 20,000 ish steps walk today. Mentally I’m doing ok. I still physically ache from the gym session. I really regret getting way too enthusiastic. I’m hoping that I will sleep tonight but that may not happen because I’ve been sleeping in during the day. That is what depression does. I know I’m on antidepressants but I still have down times. The last week has been that sort of time. The week before that I was up early and enthusiastic every single day. That is hard to sustain because I got burnt out quite quickly. 34,000 ish walk was a bit too much even for me … I walk a lot but that was too much in one go. I need to rest more but with an ADHD type mind I find it almost impossible to rest completely for an entire day. There is always something to do and if not, a walk makes me feel free for a while. There’s always something to do during waking hours. I don’t sleep many hours at a time either. 5 hours maximum a night at the moment and that isn’t every night. I have stuff on my mind at the moment. I’m constantly seeing repeated numbers which is driving me mad along with other reminders of things / people I really don’t want to think about. I made a hash of things as I always do. I feel bad enough for it as it is. I can’t take my stupid words back. I’m not making excuses but trauma really affects how I deal with other people and until I heal it’s going to make others dislike me. I’m more healed than I used to be but it doesn’t go away. I made a fool of myself and was really horrible due to my anger over things. I don’t want to be reminded of that by certain things appearing in every day life. I don’t think I will be forgiven or spoken to ever again. I shouldn’t have come off my antidepressants because that was a huge mistake.

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