Do you want to know how it affected me?

This requires me to be vulnerable to my blog readers. This is technically exposing my weaknesses which is not something I do unless I feel a point has to be made. People only see how one side of any given situation feel and how it affects them long term. Those of us that get accused of things due to autism etc also live with the long term effects. I’m open about the constant state of anxiety, sleep issues, the inability to trust people etc. There is so much more under the surface though. I’m literally scared of people I like because I think that they’re going to hurt me. I feel the fear inside of me building in their presence and I have to get away. I do purposefully hide like a deer. That has become my nature. That is sad because when I was younger I used to be the one with the ego and confidence despite being quiet in nature. Those that worked in the residential home for autism would confirm I was always the one that liked to joke around, have fun, go out and come home late drunk (it wasn’t really allowed but my autism wasn’t as severe as the others there). I used to let the others that lived there come out with me (we got permission from the home manager). I was in charge of some of the older ones with more severe autism than myself for those nights out. People that didn’t know me thought that I was their support worker. The way I was treated and not supported for my autism has left me a complete shell of my former self. Yes, I can still access that ego but without the confidence that is no use to me because it just looks like arrogance which I hate in others so I try to avoid it in myself.

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