I’m not bothered but still bugged.

I’m no longer bothered by other peoples actions but I’m still bugged by them. I had a dream last night that I’m sure had this person who upset me in. I can’t remember the whole details because I woke I half way through needing the toilet. I must be stressed over it though because I have ear scabs pop up this morning. As I said, it seems that even when I act unbothered my body tells me that I’m lying. I’m much more chilled on antidepressants but stuff still hurts me. I’m blocked on someone’s fb when I didn’t even contact them through that. I have a strong intuition and that is telling me that others have been saying stuff behind my back to make that happen. I don’t give a shit about people talking about my past but when it probably involves lies I do have a problem with that. Regardless of what anyone says to anyone else, I’m not the same person anymore. The things I did do / say or whatever in my past was due to being young, naive and inexperienced (at the age of 35 I’m still at the point where I’ve literally never properly dated or had a boy/girl friend). None of us are born knowing automatically how to do the whole social stuff. Some of us were never really taught in our background’s because of circumstances. I have worked hard to catch up on my own as an adult with absolutely no support for the last 6 years. That is why I don’t appreciate potential gossip behind my back affecting how others probably treat me. That isn’t fair. I would never hurt anyone so how is it fair to tell tales about me that end up hurting me? I know it sucks to have been born here but you still need to all grow up and get a life. You’re obviously not happy with the one you’ve got if you’re always busy gossiping about others. I’ve had enough of being treated badly by people I know because of the crap others tell them. That isn’t fair especially when I’ve not known others long. It hurts much more when I’m the type who puts in so much effort and works extremely hard in life. I don’t officially work but that doesn’t make me any less worthy. I’m still doing bits for free in areas which I have trained in the past. I wasn’t able to do much when I came off antidepressants because I just wanted to sleep all the time. I’m now rejoining life a bit more. We all struggle behind closed doors and you never know how much people pretend to the outside world that everything is ok until it gets so bad that it’s accidentally pinging out in anger outbursts to others etc. That was a battle I had in private for months after I came off of them last year. I feel better now and realise that coming off medication was a mistake.

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