First thought when I woke up this morning… life is f*cked up.

I woke up at a stupid hour again so probably didn’t get much sleep. I started thinking how I wish that I had never met some people. Then you start to realise that if you didn’t then you’d never got diagnosed and treated for your latest health condition that decided to pop up. They also caused me stress which triggers this condition by being a certain way with me. That’s not even taking into account that their other half was involved in my sons case and let child protection take him into hospital despite finding no injuries on him. I wouldn’t have lost him if that decision hadn’t been made. I don’t care how much child protection pressures staff in the medical profession… if they see nothing wrong with a baby then they shouldn’t do what child protection wants because they’re enabling that cruel system. There is a good reason why I can’t accept my sons adoption. That is because it was pure injustice and I was tricked to lose my case every step of the way. I’m aware of that since I went to do a few modules of the law degree via open uni. It’s so hard to convince the world that I lost my son to adoption because of how the system is bias against mental illness and autism rather then any action that I did. I did have an attitude toward child protection staff (social workers) but that is because my intuition knew right from the start what they wanted to do. I tried to tell people around me but they wouldn’t listen to me. They told me not to be stupid and stop overthinking / worrying. I was a young looking 24 /25 year old. I looked younger than I actually was at that point. That alone makes it hard to get others to listen. Anyway, back to what I was saying before I went off on a tangent. Life is really f*cked up if you really think about it. If everything happens for a reason then what is the reason for the horrendous times? The times that give you so much trauma that you’ll never be the same again? The times that kill bits of you forever. If hard times are supposed to lead to some beautiful abundant future then it seems that mine were in vain because my life has stagnated for years regardless of how hard I’ve tried to change it.

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