I seem to naturally wake up early.

I woke up at 6 am again. I think that this may be the way I’m naturally programmed or something. I remember my dad always being awake early even when he didn’t have work. Then my mum is the opposite, she always wanted to get up later when work wasn’t on. I did say that my parents were complete opposite so maybe that is why I am confusing going from one extreme to the other. I have monthly pains this morning. I’m taking my medication because I’m not allowing it to build up to what it did to me last month. It was hard to judge when I actually came on properly because I was spotting before this month. I know how this stuff works now so I can get in front of it to prevent being unable to function due to potential embarrassment. There is a good reason why they tell you to take it the first few days when you first come on. It won’t work if you leave it until you’re waiting until it goes heavy. The chemical to stop clots won’t get into the lining in time to prevent them forming. I used to be stubborn and didn’t really listen. It is dangerous to freestyle your medication… instructions are there for a reason. If I had known fully how the medication worked initially then it would have seemed logical why I was told to take it in a certain way on the first few days. I am pretty sure that the stress that others have caused me is going to come out in my monthly as a reaction. It’s always heavy every time I’m stressed over something. I know it seems ridiculous to others who doesn’t have a body that reacts to stress. I think it’s only that extreme for me due to the trauma that I experienced with my sons adoption. I never reacted to stress that much before that all happened to me. In regard to the stress others have caused me. Ok, the dwp benefits review isn’t something I can really do much about apart from wait. However, when it comes to actual other people they could at least make an effort to sit down and explain everything to me. I don’t want to pry or make others tell me information that they don’t want me to know… but right now I’m being made to feel terrible and didn’t deserve to get blocked on social media because I didn’t even message them on there. I have only ever been honest with others. The least they can do is reassure me that I’m not the monster which this situation has made me feel. I’ve been through enough pain in my own life. It’s not fair to inflict more suffering on me. I was kind most of the time. I was only ever mean because I got ignored. That is a natural reaction. In the last week alone I have ignored two different guys on social media platforms and they ended up angry at me calling me things and asking me why I’m being that way. It doesn’t matter if I tell them I don’t swing that way. I only wanted to be friends at the most with other people because they are with someone else long term. I don’t like Valentine’s Day in general because I realise how inexperienced I am in relationships. I just have never been in one. I never said yes to anyone I knew I didn’t like who asked me so as time went on that is how it worked out. I get told that I was too picky. I’m still ‘too picky’ even at 35 knowing that I haven’t got time to mess around if I want more children. Anyway, before I completely go off the subject. I’m sure that others aren’t trying to hurt me but that’s what they’re doing. I put on that whole ‘I don’t care’ player act but the truth is completely the opposite. I’m actually not that way and even though I tried to do the whole act it was faking it. The person I showed originally was the true me, not the assertive mean person I tried to fake. I ended up messing things up because I tried to be someone I wasn’t. I don’t want things to stay as they are. I hate bad feelings between me and others. I’m aware that the chances of anyone else coming toward me to clear the air between us is very slim to probably zero because in the past no one has ever done that. I know that when I tell people what I’ve been through they probably think I’m some liar looking to gain some attention via sympathy. That isn’t true. I absolutely hate sympathy because that means people feel sorry for me. I don’t want that attitude towards me. That makes me feel bad in a way. I don’t need sympathy. That doesn’t change what happened to me or improves my situation in any way. I care but it sucks that no one cares enough about me to realise they’ve hurt my feelings and made it hard for me to ever trust others again.

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