I’m awake at a stupid hour. I woke up to a repeated number… the worse one in my opinion.

I fell asleep quickly when I got to bed last night. I woke up a few times for the toilet again (this is annoyingly several times every night at the moment). I was awake again by half 5 this morning. I’m tired because yet again that’s only a few hours sleep. I would love to be someone who could regularly sleep more than a few hours. It’s annoying to wake up and not be able to go back to sleep.

I picked up my phone to see 555 on the clock which wasn’t a good start to my day. I’m unnerved by these repeated numbers I’ve been constantly seeing for many months now. They have always appeared in my life when major things have happened (not good things). I just want a peaceful life without any trouble or problems with other people. 555 particularly scares me because it has been linked with predictions of bad events. The same with 1919 (numbers mean new beginnings and endings). 555 also means changes. Most spiritual people will say that these both are highlighting positive changes. That has never been my experience so when I see them I literally get afraid. These numbers are probably ramping up if there is going to be a shift in my life but I don’t feel that I am ready for it.

I’m waiting to hear back from that PIP review form I had to fill in. That is something I’m probably going to have to fight to keep because that is always the case when it comes to these claims. The government are constantly trying to not give out the money by having this system where even long term disabled people have to reclaim every so often despite the fact that their needs aren’t going to change. If I could find work that would mean I wouldn’t have to rely on benefits for the rest of my life then I would do that. However, I know nothing about all the processes you have to do when you’re not unemployed and that alien world makes me a bit afraid. There are rules like if I worked over 16 hours a week I couldn’t get housing benefit etc. We have the universal credit system migration from employment and support allowance within the next 18 months (they want to put everyone over by 2025). I know some other long term disabled people that got put on new style ESA. I’m not sure if I would be put on that though because I have never officially worked or paid tax which enables people to get a type of contribution ESA that I think has been converted into the new style type. I haven’t ruled out working, however at the moment there aren’t enough jobs out there for current job seekers apparently. There are a lot of skilled jobs which you’d need to train up to do but most people aren’t wanting to put in the work because they simply can’t afford to do it. That would be the same in my case. I do have savings but I would rather keep them for emergency cash rather than using them because the benefit system is so unpredictable. I have spent money getting qualifications but not in recent years. I would need a lot of support to transition from unemployment to working. I’m not sure if others would have the time or be willing to give me the support. I can’t expect to be babysat by others in a work environment because it’s annoying to others. The whole process of everything surrounding working would also require support in case I get it all wrong. If the dwp decide I have capacity for work I’m going to have to make the transition. I am very reluctant at the moment. It isn’t because of laziness. I am always busy doing something even if it’s not paid. I use my law qualification to do the legal campaigning which I fell into by accident due to what happened with my son. I fell into a lot of other aspects of things due to that happening to me but I can’t go into those here. I have done stuff in the past which were temporary to do with art projects etc. I don’t like to sit still doing nothing.

I have some good news. I looked in the mirror when I got up. The eyelashes that I had lost are now starting to come back. There is still a visible dent where bits fell out but the there’s tiny hairs appearing on the lining of my lashes. I’ve been using oil to try to get them to grow back. I didn’t think it was working but then I noticed those lash hairs starting to appear this morning.

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