Late night thoughts… no actual topic tonight.

I slept for quite a while until I got hungry. I got up for something to eat. I’m now back in bed again. I was still tired despite the long sleep earlier. I had to drag myself off the sofa before I accidentally fell asleep on there. It’s more comfortable and warm in bed. I was joined by my cat for my long nap earlier. He’s really sweet. He seems to know when something is up with me. He also likes sleeping himself so any excuse to join me for a nap too. The other cat disappeared outside for the whole time. I will probably never see her as it warms up. She is always wanting to be outside when it’s the warmer time of year. I had to stop her going out in the heatwave when I was going out because it wasn’t safe to large animals outside in that heat. He only wants to go out at night (and then wake me up meowing at the window about 5am), apparently it’s a Tom cat thing. He lives in a shared area so sometimes there are the occasional fights that break out between Tom cats but they are over quite quickly. Mister gets told off every time he gets into one. It’s like having a couple of kids sometimes. I have to tell him to pack chasing his sister too. He tries to jump her regularly. He is neutered… but it doesn’t stop him being interested in certain things. He gets clawed by his sister regularly for trying it on with her. Animals just don’t see it’s a relative from the same litter. They say it’s not wise to inbreed but surely animals are mostly inbred in the wild because animals don’t differentiate between relatives and non relative. I have a brain that will literally pick apart anything. When it also comes to taking a chance at building a career etc. I’m not confident in my own abilities. I have lots of qualifications certificates but had to quit degree study because it was too hard. Then I feel really small against others that could finish those levels and become lawyers etc. I know that I wouldn’t even be happy doing any of those things but it still makes me feel like I haven’t achieved enough. It’s never a good idea to compare yourself with others. I’m not sure if I can ever function properly on a daily basis since the trauma of my sons adoption. It’s been a decade at this point. It doesn’t hurt so much but I have still haven’t got my confidence back or feel whole again as a person. There’s a piece of me that went with my son. I can feel that missing piece.

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