I don’t know how I’m going to do tomorrow.

I have not fixed my sleeping pattern. I didn’t manage to sleep yet. I don’t have to get up today but if I don’t then I will be awake during the night and be going to appointment at the hospital very tired tomorrow having had no sleep again. I’m too tired to get up yet. I’m will probably get up about lunch time if I get sleep in today. I don’t know if anyone can relate to the feeling of being so tired it’s painful to be awake. That is how I will feel by mid afternoon if I don’t get some sleep. Then I have this annoying thing where an overwhelming tiredness hits me and literally I can’t fight it. If that happens when I have to be somewhere at a certain time I’ve definitely missed it and most of the day because I’m literally asleep for hours. I can’t rearrange it because the waiting lists are very long right now. I didn’t have to wait long for the initial appointment but probably there will be others for tests etc to rule out whether I do have certain issues. I’m really not in the mood to be messed around. I want to know why I’ve been ill and not felt right for a while. It’s just a hassle getting tests etc. If something else gets flagged up I will probably have to be referred to another department. I’m worried due to the average life expectancy of autistic people being 36 because I’m literally that age this year. I’ve had a feeling that I will be gone by 40 since I was 25 years old. I don’t particularly like being alive so I would willing accept death that young. 5 ish more years to go. That is basically like tomorrow if you think that 2020 was 3 years ago already. Anyway, I have to try to sleep again for a while.

2 responses to “I don’t know how I’m going to do tomorrow.”

  1. I think that “life expectancy” is not the same as the real life’s facts. On the other side, you have a strong intuition and I would rely on that more than on the statistics. However, the reason of death might not be an illness, it might be a bad accident. But I wish your life would improve and the negative things would not happen.


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