This is the bit that I was planning to do on camera.

I only just woke up because I don’t feel great today. That means I’m not going on camera. I am not up to that at the moment. I’m not really up to saying what I’m typing but I have to address certain issues before assumptions start becoming facts. As I said before, we are not at school now, I will no longer allow certain immature behaviour. I only allow myself to be immature when I’m upset. That leads me to where I’m starting the stuff I have to say. I did say quite mean things when I was upset, or at least loaded comments because someone’s silence annoyed me. It didn’t help when I figured out the connection to someone involved in my sons case. I’m very sensitive (anyone would be if they put themselves in my situation) so holding back that anger became impossible. It would creep into any of my attempts to communicate. I would just like to say that I don’t snoop online or look at anyone’s profiles that often because I don’t want to be accused of anything. It’s easy (and it has happened) to be accused of stuff that was never your intention as an autistic person. I’m super careful and reluctant to snoop on social media. I only do that if I think I’m being lied to and I literally only skim through any public posts. I don’t try to go any deeper with fake account adding because I don’t want the accusations which I had in my past because of being naive in my actions. I’m a very nervous person and literally petrified of others because of things I’ve been through. I don’t always show it because it’s called masking. I stand by things I have said to others that they may have found hurtful because I speak the truth regardless whether it hurts someone else. I do that because this is how I was treated. I had the most horrendously brutally honest comments said to me growing up and throughout my adult years. As I said before, the anger also creeps in without trying because of who I realised that person was linked to. I was trying to get their support because I really didn’t want to have to make the decision to go back on antidepressants. They were cold and distant. I’m not prepared to be blamed solely in that situation. There are always both sides. I wasn’t the one that flipped into cold mode. Then when I matched that behaviour with my own version of it the other person didn’t like it. I know how people talk about things in this town because I grew up here. I don’t want to be either the victim or the perpetrator in any town gossip. I remain neutral in anything. I don’t want trouble. I have enough of my own life stuff to deal with. I just want peace. That is all I’ve ever wanted. Friends aren’t important to me. I’ve never really had any. I can’t let others past that nervous barrier caused by past experiences. There’s nothing wrong with me. I am not weird. I just would rather be on my own. I put my foot over the line occasionally to see where things might go but in general I’m still quite closed off.

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