Finally got to have proper sleep this week!

I just woke up. It wasn’t really proper sleep but for me that was decent sleep. I’m always on and off when it comes to sleep anyway so a few hours of being completely knocked out is good enough in general. I didn’t check my phone all morning so I actually got a break. I have everything pop up on my phone so I have to not check it. I am slightly awake (had to get up to put heating on because it had gone cold in here). I didn’t let the fact that others have been unfair to me keep me awake last night. I don’t even look at someone’s personal profile on fb but I get blocked. That is wrong. I may have said hurtful things but maybe they were the truth given at how they’ve acted toward me. Others probably think it too but they just don’t say it. I will say it. That is who I am. Maybe it’s a lot to do with how I was treated in my past. If no one ever says something then no one is ever aware of anything even if they chose to ignore it. I’m as hard on myself with my thoughts and words I say to myself. That keeps me self aware. I had a dream about buildings last night. I always seem to do that when I’m feeling left out in waking life. It’s always about being unable to enter a building, stuck on the outside. I would rather my waking life frustrations don’t creep into my dreams when asleep because that is technically not giving me a break when I’m asleep. I know I have been accidentally pushing things. That isn’t something I do consciously. I do it automatically, as I said, my brain flips from one thing to another really fast. I have actually forgotten that I’ve emailed someone before and done it twice because in my head I didn’t record that I had actually done it. I know that there are lasting effects on how I think and thought processes etc from things that have happened in my earlier life. I know that I said some rathe harsh things via email which was all based on how I honestly saw things and other people. I can’t remember exactly what I said. I know that others aren’t going to like it. Honest most definitely isn’t nice feedback most of the time. I am one of the most authentic people you can meet because I truly don’t care about how I’m seen after my past. I tried to be in those lines they call normal as a younger person but nothing I ever did was good enough. There is a point where I said that I was just going to now scribble outside the lines if that is what I felt was best for me. People pleasing doesn’t work. I don’t care if people think I’m being horrible. There’s many times I have thought people were being horrible but that is why you have to develop a thick skin. I still can be sensitive but only in certain areas which emotionally affect me (ex. Sons adoption and everything around that). I have stuff to do so I’m going to log off for now but I hope that I made a valid point even though it reads like it went a little off point. As I said, I’m not fully awake yet.

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