No sleep again :(

Unless I finally drop off soon then I will only have two hours sleep. Ugh, the repeated numbers are doing my head in … just seen 555 (I just don’t like that number and also been seeing 1919 which I also don’t like – both are bad luck numbers to me). I keep seeing 2222 a lot. 111 earlier. Those are just todays numbers. I’m still upset. I was crying for a few hours. It probably won’t even hurt me much by next week. It just feels bad now because it’s only just happened and the place is a mess around me due to washing machine breaking down last week. I will feel much better when that is sorted and everything is more tidy. I will also feel better when my skin stops scabbing up (it’s really uncomfortable). I’m hoping my hair is less dry when I wash the oil out. I will have to dig out the sides of my toenails, which are hurting, myself now that I’m no longer welcome because I was honest (some call it being hurtful but I really was just being honest about what I saw). Anyway, as I said it emotionally hurts right now but that’s made worse by how I am physically feeling sore, losing my hair/parts of my eyelashes and my surroundings are a mess. People say that things make you stronger, nope, they add to the already quite full trauma pot inside my head. I’m not healed from people pulling the same shit on me in the past. It’s like they’re coming along and slicing open those exact same scars others left. It isn’t fair, especially when someone is suffering and I didn’t keep that from the other person. I always knew they were a little mean / severe by certain things they said but I didn’t think they could be that cruel. Then justify it by saying I was the one that said hurtful stuff. I don’t feel that I deserve it. I never said those hurtful things in malice, they were said as honest observations. If they don’t like the feedback then they could make an effort to change. It’s that simple. I also said some really nice things too which they discarded and only focused on the negative parts. People do that to justify their agenda / decisions. The nice comments were also observations too but not focusing on the negative. If I was being mean, what were their actions? They went cold on me. That hurt me but I never properly walked away. I know that some people are just cold and you literally have to get what you can from them. I’ve got more emotionally detached every time I’ve been hurt in the past. That is just a result of emotional damage in my case. I come from an environment and was put in several environments where love or emotional warmth was just never available or very sparingly. Anyway, before this goes off on a tangent I’m going to try to get some sleep.

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