Can’t sleep again… heartbroken still.

I keep thinking of how unfair everything is right now. It’s been unfair for me for many years. Isn’t it about time things changed for me? Why can’t I have met someone understanding and supportive? I’m now closed off emotionally again for the foreseeable future so it’s too late now. I refuse to get hurt again. This is going to continue to keep me awake for weeks, maybe months. Things used to keep me awake for years but that improved when I matured with age. This isn’t justice. This is wrong. Others can’t see how much pain they cause. Those in my past can’t see the damage they caused long term. I can’t be in a relationship because I don’t trust others enough. I don’t even trust friends which offends them but it’s not personal. I didn’t realise how broken I was until a few years ago when I started healing. I chose to be single but I literally don’t feel right when people physically get close to me. It’s more fear than dislike. I will be unkind when I’m fearful because I’m used to being on my own. I feel lost because there’s no reversing stuff that has happened. I don’t even want to be alive most of the time. I hate life so much because it never should have been this way. It was proven that I didn’t hurt my son and that all the malicious reports had been false but he still went for adoption because they used historical information (I was tricked into signing that over) and my diagnosis / aspects of my autism to justify placing him for adoption. I never deserved that outcome. I hate this life. This should never have been … if this world actually had justice he should’ve grown up with me. I did nothing wrong apart from having some bad people around me who were stirring it for me with the malicious reporting. Every single day of this alternate existence to what should have been is a painful twisting knife right in my heart so excuse me if I’m not always nice. It was like having my heart ripped out when they ruled adoption and I knew that the last time I would see him again was 14 months old with no letterbox contact even. There’s nothing you can do. I tried fight the actual order in court for a year after that last contact. I even proved that a lot of what they said were lies to get the adoption. It was too late in the process. I even nearly got myself done for contempt of court disproving the psychological reports done during care proceedings, still the process had progressed too far so at that point even if they were wrong that would have been irrelevant. I had tears in my eyes typing that so it shows that the rawness doesn’t go away. It isn’t justice and every single day of my life since 9 ish years ago is living a reality that shouldn’t have been while my son is separated from me living with strangers. People assume that I did something to deserve it. I didn’t and that’s what makes it so wrong. As an autistic person I have a strong aversion for injustice so it is intense for me.

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