Late night thoughts: I should be asleep but alas my mind won’t shh.

I should definitely be asleep by now because I have to be up early. I had a text telling me that the washing machine is coming between half 7 and half 11 am. I have alarm set for 6.30 am. I keep seeing repeated numbers again and it’s getting so annoying. I just don’t need it right now. Changes I don’t like always happen in my life when they appear. Right now I’m already terrified that I’ve been rejected permanently by someone who I wanted to be friends with eventually. I also keep seeing things relating to them since I met them which is weird, eg. where they come from, their language etc. The way they are right now may not be anything personal toward me. They might just be tied up with life but that doesn’t stop me worrying due to what happened in my past. I can’t ask for others to reassure me all the time because it’s really annoying for them. Half of me has already convinced myself that whatever the situationship (see I’m using words that show I’m down with the kids) is now over. That is only because I’m the past that has always been the case. Why would that change now? I’m older but I’m still below everyone else (as people repeatedly remind me during interactions). I can work as hard as possible to progress in life and do the various things necessary to get the laws changed but it won’t change how I’m seen in the worthiness scale. I’m not from the background that is seen as being the required standard. It wasn’t helpful that I was born autistic and defective in a few other ways. Even my own hair doesn’t want to cooperate with me right now. It’s dry, brittle and keeps snapping on the bits that are growing back but still getting temperamental. I’m naturally connected spiritually to things and could be seen as one of those natural witch type people but in this materialistic world that doesn’t make you anything. I can’t make up for my lack of status in regards to career etc by being an earth angel type. I don’t want people to feel awkward with me because my purpose here was to heal and connect people with what truly matters, to show them that what we have always been conditioned to be isn’t actually how it was all designed. Then I go back home. We all do after our purpose in the world is over. We are supposed to be a master at manifesting but that isn’t happening. I have only ever managed to manifest bad luck due to my anxiety overriding everything. I know that timing isn’t down to us. We can only plant the seeds by the work we put in or the words that we speak. I’ve done a lot of that. I don’t know if this is a thing but I had the urge to listen to the song movement by hozier tonight. I’m going to look up what the song is about just in case it’s one of those thoughts that has a message. The cats have just returned home so I’m going to try to sleep now.

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