Heartbroken again :(

I half knew things wouldn’t work out because they never do. However, once they confirmed it I’m still heartbroken. I don’t even want to get up today after waking up to that. Yes, I said some hurtful things but that was due to feeling ignored. People don’t listen unless you’re mean. They just continue to see you as the non person in the corner that doesn’t count. I’m not the tough one who says exactly what they need to in a brutal way, confident with being outspoken etc. I have been putting on an act because quiet timid people aren’t attractive. I changed the whole of me to be given a chance to be friends. I have now been told to go away professionally too now so my whole tough boss act for a while was a waste of time. I’m also not as tough as I make out. I’m sensitive. I do care a lot. This has crushed me. I still don’t have confidence after the stuff that’s happened to me. I have to put a face on to the world. If people truly read the blog properly they would learn that I don’t deserve how I’m treated. They would see that now I’m definitely going to have committed suicide in a few months because this is like the topping of what has been the final straw for me. I won’t be smiling again. I was healing a bit but now I’m fully broken again. I may have said some horrible things in frustration but I held out hope when they initially said they would think about it and reach out when they were ready. Maybe I pretended to be someone I’m not but I’m not changing my personality to fit now. I am heartbroken level hurt and I’m sensitive not uncaring and brutal with my words. That is only a survival tactic I’ve developed due to stuff I’ve been through in life. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t because I thought others would respect me more being that way. The gentle sensitive types don’t really make an impact. I won’t survive this because I am sensitive. Others don’t know how lucky they are to have stuff. I never got to have any of that. That is why I’m close to suicide because this may seem small to others but to me it’s the final straw. I shouldn’t have pretended to be someone I wasn’t but who I was in the past wasn’t really attractive to anyone. She was too quiet, no one noticed her. I’m really not how I went into this situation. I played a ‘I don’t give a shot’ role but in reality the whole player persona was so against my nature that I was feeling like I had a split personality. I was constantly flitting between who I am and that mask. Now I have lost a potential friendship and service pretending to be this outspoken bitch who I didn’t even like. I was myself at the beginning and I should’ve stayed that way. I only took on the new persona because I was trying to be completely the opposite to my quiet gentle self. I thought that the other person was tough so I tried to level myself up. It’s all a messed up misunderstanding which is now going to lead to my suicide because I wasn’t healed from other things before this happened. I never wanted much and not being myself was probably the wrong option here. The truth is I am really sensitive, I’m not some outspoken boss bitch type. I’m someone who deserves a chance in life but has never got that chance. Instead, I just get left on the scrap heap regardless of how hard I work. I don’t get paid to do the legal stuff I’m doing, the blog I don’t expect payment but there are people out there doing various stuff I do for payment. Money isn’t important to me but physically it is to actually live in life. I just wanted to be seen and if I had to pick my words to be on the mean side to do that then it’s what I thought might work. I don’t really stand out, I’m really short, I have an ugly face. There is no other way I could possibly make myself stand out from others. I know that I was born below others but I am not like the others born at the same level. I’ve always been aware of that. I will naturally verbally fight anyone who treats me badly. I’m still not the butch I have pretended to be though. It’s horrible when you’re denied love but you need it. Dad’s death anniversary is coming up next week, I think it’s my time to join him. I have made an effort to do life but it’s never going to get any better. I haven’t even been out of bed today after washing machine delivery and that was before the email that I read. I’m beyond depressed. I’m done with this life. I’m so heartbroken that the pain has literally embedded itself into my personality… so I’m done here. If people want the laws changing to try to end forced adoption in this country I’ve explained the process in a blog entry. If I don’t get to do it then someone else just has to follow the steps I’ve outlined. I won’t recover from this and it isn’t just this but this is like the catalyst for making the decision to end my own life. I tried to keep hope but I can’t anymore.

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