Late night thoughts: feeling sad :(

I don’t tend to get sad much about things now but when I do it bugs me a lot. As I said earlier, some people that are quite above me due to their job etc don’t talk to me.., unless they think I’m corrupting their children. That makes me extremely sad because I am so much more than some job. I don’t have a job so to the likes of them I don’t have status. Why have we put a value on people based on their job or whether they have a job in my case? I’m educated to a point. I don’t have a degree but I got as far as my abilities and lack of schooling allowed. I don’t officially work but I do stuff. I literally get asked to find loopholes in the law because of my qualification. I’m not always wanting to give everyone a loophole to their predicament because some of those things they’re trying to get around are morally wrong to me. There is a general consensus that you can get out of anything in regard to legal responsibility if you get a person to sign something which basically says that no responsibility is taken for anything stated, this gives you the loophole if said person would take legal action in the future. That is all I can say as a general outline to suite most situations. I write but I don’t get paid for that. I’m kind of creative, not so much since I went through trauma but it’s still there. I’m not sure that I will ever get over my son’s adoption enough to go back to living a normal life. I felt so mentally free before I had my son and everything happened. Since that point I’ve felt mentally trapped and weighed down. It’s true that time does make it less raw but it’s always on your mind. There’s never a way to forget you have a child out there. It’s not like you can keep away from reminders when you see other people’s children. Even if I met someone tomorrow and my life seemed like it would be approved by children’s services (they always get involved if you’ve had a previous one removed) then I would be too scared to have another child. I would be petrified of them coming to take the next one from the hospital because that has happened to so many others. I would be extremely anxious which when you’re going through the process of having a baby isn’t good. I would be crawling up the walls until we were both discharged and safe. I know that I don’t have to legally let them in or sign over my records once safely out the hospital environment. It’s just getting out of there without them deciding to remove future children. Thee is no way I’m having a baby not in a hospital environment because there is absolutely no way I would do it without pain relief. I know exactly what to expect this time around and that pain I cannot do (if it’s quick labour then there isn’t always a choice because epidurals need to be timed etc). I also don’t want to let anyone down because of not being able to get back out there properly again. I don’t know if I will ever be able to be reliable because some days I’m just still not mentally able to do stuff. That isn’t something I can predict either. I’m 99% sure that it will be easier in that department if I move away. It’s just getting the opportunity and money together. There isn’t many places to move to that are rental right now because of shortages. People are literally stuck where they are because of how it is right now. It’s also extremely difficult to get private landlords to accept people on housing benefit despite the fact that I’ve got a good credit rating. The feeling of being stuck sucks when you’ve worked hard in life for a long time.

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