Rest day (well, not entirely because flat needs sorting etc).

Technically I am resting today but I have a lot to do. The cat needs to start his medication. I need to also sort my flat out, built the new cat towers etc. That won’t get done in one day but I need to be up early on Monday to wait for new washing machine to be delivered. I can be getting on with anything I haven’t managed to do today because I won’t be able to go out until it’s got here. The slot is 7 am to 7 pm so it could be a case where I literally end up waiting the whole day. If you wanted it between a certain time it would cost £10 extra for delivery. I slept ok, I didn’t go bed until quite late so I’m still tired. I was finishing off my mental health diploma. That’s completed now. I had a drink last night so woke up feeling terrible like normal nowadays (can’t do alcohol much now). I will probably be aching from last nights gym session too soon. I got woken up by my cat sneezing in my face this morning… ew. I’m not properly awake yet. It was cold in here so I just got up to turn on the heating and put clothes on the radiator that I’m going to be wearing. It’s not as cold as it was but when you’re not properly awake it feels colder than it is. The cats medication schedule is going to be quite time consuming. The vet put him on two different types. One is just for 7 days and the other is for life. The instructions of giving half twice a day sound simple until you look at the capsules and discover they are the type that is the kind of rubber mesh coating that is hard to split up and he won’t want to take that texture easily. I will try but it may not work. I’m still not sure if I want to go back on antidepressants yet. I’m extremely reluctant because they probably won’t help hormonal issues. I just mentally feel like i’m struggling at the moment. I get told that I do well by others when it comes to life but they don’t see the mess in my surroundings. They don’t see how I can never sleep or how I just want to stay in bed a lot. The way I literally have no passion and simply no longer care about anything. I just don’t want to do anything every single day. I’m not happy that way. I also won’t be happy with weight on me either which I know will happen with those things. I keep seeing repeated numbers which is doing my head in. I don’t don’t know if they’re warning me or it’s telling me everything is working out. I’m only scared of them because they appeared at the worst times of my life. They refer to them as angel numbers but for me it’s been more like devil numbers. I know I’ve not been doing great in some aspects of life where I know I am weaker. I don’t need it pointing out by all these numbers. I know that I’m weak and will always probably fail in those areas. I try not to do so but it’s very hard. I no longer agree that I have autism but even without that condition even neurotypical people have imbedded habits that they just can’t stop. I find it hard to walk away and never really do until irreparable circumstances occur. I can’t do that anymore because it burns too many bridges that you need in the background just in case. I hate the fact that I have to make an impactful exit. I will never go quietly because I learnt to naturally fight everything. I won’t physically fight but I will definitely try to have the last word. That probably comes from how I was treated growing up. I always felt like I had to prove myself because school was always saying parts of me weren’t ‘good enough’ so I decided when I grew up that I was going to have high standards and try to reach them. That also makes me so frustrated when I know that mentally I just am not in the right place to meet those standards. There is no way that I possibly can get to even a reasonable standard at the moment. I’m extremely tired all the time. Sleep pattern doesn’t help but even when I am sleeping ok I’m just too tired. I don’t feel well most of the time which makes me just want to sleep.

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