The thought of my long day is making me anxious.

Mister is off to the vets for his scan in the morning. I am already in bed. The food and drink have been taken up so that mister cannot eat or drink because he isn’t allowed to do so due to being given anesthetiser for his scan. I’m probably going to get woken up and nagged (that normally happens when I don’t leave food in the bowl). I always worry when the cats go in for things and need to be sedated. Mimi had to have a scan on her mouth (she has gum disease) and because she’s built quite small I was nervous. Mister is like my best friend. He’s so much better than a human. He’s much more loving. I really need to sleep tonight because my alarm is set for half 7. He has to be there between half 8 and 9. I am going for a gym session while he is at the vets. I don’t know how long he is going to be. They take a load of pets in for procedures and line them up, he could be one of the first in but if he is one of the last (if they go by surname he will be nearer the end of list) then I may not hear that he’s ready to be picked up until the afternoon.

Apparently I should be careful what I put on here because there’s a thing that neurotypical people do before deciding whether to make a decision to be friends with someone… they watch them online to see if they really are who they claim to be. I totally am… there is nothing fake about me. I’m not the nicest person but I’m also not awful. I’m a lot less nice than I used to be after people took advantage of the fact that I was young and naive. I met some quite shitty people around the time my son was adopted so I put a wall up. I know that I seem open but I don’t ever feel that I can truly be myself. I will talk about so many things which are classed as taboo etc. That isn’t opening up me as a person. I do fear that others will make fun of me behind my back because I have always been a target for that kind of thing. I don’t like it but if it makes other people entertained by making fun of me then at least I’m keeping them amused. I may have to face ridicule because my toenails are trying to grow back in. I made a fool of myself and I am nervous to go back. I don’t know if it’s ok. I know that things change but I’ve always been not welcome and others see me as weird. I shouldn’t assume things. I have been through trauma so my head reaches certain conclusions. I would be fine if I was sat down and told it was all fine and there was nothing to worry about. That won’t happen though because others expect people to know and don’t explain.

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