I need to try to sleep but I can’t.

I am very tired because I didn’t get a lot of sleep to catch up with barely any sleep last night. I can’t sleep in these surroundings because it’s untidy and not clean enough. I know that I sound quite up myself but it makes my mind too unsettled to sleep. I also have allergies kicking off because there is so much cat hair shed around here despite vacuuming earlier, it’s randomly in my mouth so it must be hanging in the air. I haven’t really done a lot around here lately because I didn’t feel like it. That is why I was considering going back on antidepressants. I know that this physically isn’t possible but the thought of it seems to have made me gain weight already. I don’t think it will help much and all that effort I made to get off of them will be wasted if I go back on them. I spent half of last year coming off of them. It’s like I wasted my time. I don’t want to feel like I’m going round in circles. I’m technically not because I’m not the same person I was even a year ago but medication isn’t always a solution. I’ve even come off the ibuprofen today because my finger and knee are healed enough to not need them now. I still feel my finger a bit now but I think it’s more about patience and giving it time. It’s a lot better and tolerating weight lifting exercises at the gym now. I have had a week off the gym because of monthly kicking off big time, the cat having to go the vets and the washing machine breaking down. I needed a rest because when my monthly goes like that it makes me extremely tired… when I can sleep (yesterday I was knocked out for three ish hours because the tiredness hit me like a ton of bricks). I will be ok by next week to go back to the gym. I’m still as clumsy as ever. I went to switch the light on and the corner of the wall was at an angle in front of me. I walked into it and hit my nose. I know that it was a stupid thing to do. I didn’t even think I was that close to it. I have a lazy eye so everything is slightly viewed differently which may explain my clumsiness. It would also explain how I whacked my head on the top of the car door a few days ago (it hurts there a bit so I’m definitely getting a bruise where I did that). Apparently, I used to repeatedly walk into the top of my parents glass table as a toddler and they couldn’t understand why until they found that I had a lazy eye at 8 years old (just too late to correct it). It wasn’t visibly noticeable because it’s pretty much in alignment with the other eye. Unless you looked closely then you could not see the difference. That is why it wasn’t picked up because to me the way I could see out of one eye but the other one was blurred was normal. That is how I presumed everyone saw the world. I can’t be a pilot or drive heavy goods vehicles but I never wanted to do that so it doesn’t really affect me. I don’t go out much nowadays because of anxiety associated with my autism but even if I did I wouldn’t feel welcome. I may be actually welcome by some people but my anxiety would somehow convince me that I wasn’t actually welcome. I know it’s ridiculous but that is how it works. In some cases I am most likely legitimately not welcome. If someone ignores your emails then you’re most likely not welcome. I must have been still destined to meet someone because ever since I met them I have literally seen references to Greece and Greek stuff almost on a daily basis. We meet everyone for a reason. Maybe the reason was for them to reject me and for us just not to get on. We all need rivals as well as friends… that is the balance of life. There are some reasons why we probably would never have been friends. We have completely different lives poles apart as one example. I’m just nothing like them at all. I don’t know if I will ever work. I have decided against marriage unless someone comes along good enough to change my mind about that. I do want more children but after my first experience I’m quite scared to have any more in case the authorities decide to take it away, once they have taken one child then it’s very easy for them to just walk in again. I tried, planted the seeds but any potential friendship isn’t going to sprout there. I know that these things take time but I don’t see it even working out given time. I’m sure that there is gossip out there floating about that I can’t fight and will put people off of being friends with me. That is the price that you pay for being a blogger sharing bits of your life on social media. People who have literally never met me before will literally start making up rumours and spreading crap about me for a bit of attention. I don’t react to it but it does piss me off a little. People I do know don’t even know me fully. I’m guarded after the things that happened to me. As I said, I don’t go out socially nowadays and actually don’t really miss it. I’m happy chilling at home with the cats or just doing my own thing solo. I don’t need anyone. I haven’t for many years. Socialising is overrated. It’s literally constantly acting (masking) by both neurodivergent and neurotypical people. Yes, I’d like to have fun but all the fake niceties are just a waste of time to me. I just like to be real, authentic and be an individual who doesn’t give a crap about all those fake things.

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