Sleep really bad again :( Thinking isn’t a good idea.

I literally didn’t sleep again. I nearly dropped off but then woke up again. I fought it for too long and then I just stayed awake. It’s now 5 am and I’m no longer sleepy. I had to wake the cat up next to me because he was snoring loudly. He was a bit grumpy but has gone back to sleep quietly this time. They occasionally do snore which is fine when I’m not trying to sleep. I don’t want to think because I will end up not sleeping. I don’t want to start rumours because small town and if people work out who I’m talking about the rumour mill might start. I’ve always had a thing where I know that someone is pregnant just by looking at them. I don’t know how I just know. The person I got annoyed with for being distant and cold with me has gained a lot of weight and just looks different. I know my intuition is somewhat bias right now because if I got the chance I’d have another child. It keeps pinging into my head that maybe they are pregnant. They seem slightly old (I’m not calling anyone old, but women can only have children between certain ages) but people get caught out quite late when they’re probably stopping all the period stuff so it’s not as easy to make sure you don’t get caught out. On the other hand it might just be middle age weight gain and age. I’m getting it now in mid 30s. The weight just sticks and my hips / thighs are quite wide due to my hormones already being wrong. I don’t know. I don’t really care. The only part I care about is that I’m upset with them for just being cold and very distant / disconnected. I put a load of effort into a connection that is just hopeless if that is the way they’re going to be. I don’t let my guard down easily and most of the time I don’t have the energy to interact with others. I don’t have the energy to give to others when it’s obvious that they don’t appreciate it. It doesn’t seem like they’re ever going to change. I’m fed up with giving to others and it not being appreciated. I start to look at myself and think that maybe I’m not good enough because if I was then I wouldn’t get ignored etc. Yes, I may swing that way but those that are married are morally off limits to me, especially if they have children too. It’s wrong. I meant friends only regardless of whether I had a crush on them initially which doesn’t last long. They don’t even want to be friends so I can’t be bothered anymore.

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