This is my life right now.

I am so not a good role model at the moment. I’m hoping that no one copies my lifestyle right now because this is a downward slope. I drink alcohol and pop painkillers (ibuprofen for my finger/knee to go down). It isn’t good. I have a sore head at the moment because my body is telling me it’s had enough. I’ve done this whole painkiller on/off addiction thing from about 13. It started off taking them for migraines etc and I found they made school less stressful. I’m 35 now so that’s about 20 ish years. There must be damage by now. If there isn’t then I must be lucky. I don’t really want to find out. I know that I won’t see much past 40. I have felt that for many years. I don’t particularly have much to live for so I don’t really mind. I am already dead inside. That happened when my son got adopted. That was a huge part of me gone forever. I don’t think I will ever be whole again. I do feel lost all the time. It’s like I’m so far away trapped behind glass away from the world . I can’t reach out because no one wants to hear me. It’s not even safe to reach out to the so called help system. That always got me punished in the past. I haven’t had help under the 117 section aftercare clause for years so I want off of that. I won’t allow them to use my mental health issues against me to try to keep me on it, not when the system caused a lot of those issues. If they had supported me properly and not punished me for having autism then I would never have turned to addiction to cope with that damage. I turned to painkillers and later alcohol as well because I had always felt so left out right from school. I felt so left out and alone. The substances took those feelings away, even if it’s only temporarily.